The moment you glimpse that light at the end of the tunnel...

So much stress. So much work. So much, "but I have to study." The end is finally near. The termination of possibly one of the most, not difficult, but challenging semesters of my life is so close. And it's only now that I realize that I don't need to worry so much. All I need to do is have a little faith in myself. Because I HAVE done it. And I'm proud of myself. I've pushed myself, and I've accomplished something I didn't think I could. And it gives me faith that maybe these other dreams that I have aren't so far-fetched after all.
So... two more. :) Here I come.

A moment to appreciate: Lite 98.

Thank you, Lite 98, for bringing holiday joy to my car for an entire month before Christmas. The feeling of the holidays, all wrapped up into wonderful Christmas songs... I love it. I can't even describe the happiness I feel when I hear Christmas music, see decorations, smell the foods, smell the air... I love this season. I love this holiday. It's happiness, and warmth... and most of all, it's love.

The moment that perfection isn't even enough.

After all of this hard work, the stress, the tears, and the lack of sleep, I realize that even perfection isn't good enough. So yeah, it's my responsibility... it's because of the things that I've done that I'm even in this situation in the first place. But why am I going to be given the chance to redeem myself, if even perfection won't get me there? Why, even if I do the best that it is physically possible for me to do, am I still going to fall short? I know if I had just stepped up a little earlier, this wouldn't be a problem. But that's human nature, and human nature is coupled with the chance to grow and change. I've turned my life upside down. I've started completely new. And I've reached the top. I've done the best that I'm allowed to do, and I'm still going to be punished. And the worst part is, it's not about impressing anyone or living up to my own standards anymore. It's about surviving. Even if I make them proud, even if I am proud of myself... none of it matters. It doesn't mean that I'll make it.

The moment your muscles start to ache...

...and nothing in the world could be wrong.

Stretching. Spinning. Feeling every muscle in my body working like they haven't in months. Waking up and feeling that lingering ache that tells me that I worked my hardest. And it's only the beginning. The moment I step into a gym, and see all of the people I love... the moment we all pile into our cars and make a trip to the grocery store in our tanks and shorts in the middle of winter, shrieking with laughter the whole way there and singing our hearts out... the moment it all just comes back to me, like something so familiar, like something that is ingrained into my very being... I know that there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't belong anywhere else. And in that moment, nothing else matters.

The moment it all comes tumbling down...

I'm stretched too thin. I never make enough to make rent. I literally don't have enough hours in the day to do all of the studying I need to do. I put everything I have into everything I do, and I do a lot of things. I always do this. I have to fail horribly at only one thing, or be mediocre at all things. But being mediocre is not an option, I have to be perfect. I do all I can and I give everything I do the best effort I have, and it's still not enough. It's not good enough. I don't make enough. I upset people. I do things wrong, and those are the only things that matter. It piles up and up and up until I literally just break. I'll apologize, I'll take the blame, and I'll push myself even harder. And then I'll recover, and start all over.

Moment to moment...

...and day to day.

Get up. Shower. Drive to school. Yell at other drivers. Try to find a parking spot. Class. Coffee. Class. Class. Drive home. Read. Read more. Drive to work. Work. Drive home. Try to find a parking spot. Read more. Go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Work for money for rent to go to school for a degree for a job to buy a house to provide for a family... What's the end of the line? What's the ultimate goal? I guess for me it's a family. But, if I'm never there then what's the point? If I'm numb and burnt out and detached, what does it matter anyway?
The ultimate is happiness... it should be in any case. Yet we are all driven constantly toward something. We're all working, struggling up this endless ladder of stresses and needs and desires and blah blah BLAH. We think we're headed toward something that will make us happy, and by the time we get there, we'll realize that we should have been making ourselves happy all along. The grass ain't always greener...

A moment to appreciate: the holidays.

Gingerbread, eggnog, and peppermint mocha. Just one reason I love the holidays. :)

The moment you finally get into the swing of things...

For a while, I was worried that we'd never get out of this rut. I was so afraid that things would never change. I just kept saying, "we haven't gotten used to the schedules, the classes, the stress," but I feared that what we couldn't get used to... was us.
But for the first time in a long time, I was so happy I cried. I ran to him when I got home and jumped into his arms. I found the balance, and the worries of school and life faded away. I figured out how to separate the us time from the everything else time. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I know I should. For a while I was worried that I would never get better. Because I knew it was me. Because I hated to think that it was us. But, now I know... this is right.

The moments I get to be young again...

I guess it's because I had to grow up so fast, take so much responsibility from such a young age, that it's such a relief to cut loose. It's like all of the responsibilities of life got shifted back a few years. Bills, jobs, cleaning... caring about what to eat, caring about how loud music is, caring about groceries. Dinner and a movie night is a blessing, not a regular thing. And there are more important things to spend money on than clothes, movies, and shows. It makes you appreciate those moments more. The moments I get to do what I should be doing at this age. Enjoying my life before all of the real stresses kick in.

The moments my weakness comes back to me...

There's no rhyme or reason to it. I'm not unhappy. It's a compulsion... an addiction almost. It's like it's something that makes me who I am... something I can't let fade. I know I don't want it. I know I don't even need it. But when I'm reminded of it, the urge is still there. Maybe without it I won't be reminded of who I was, but that's not what I have to be from now on. I can be free of it. I can remember without the pain.

The moment that the reason for all of this work...

..truly becomes clear.

Yeah, for me, it's about giving people peace of mind. And yes, it's about a personal motivation to do what's right. And yeah, I wish that it could be as fair and pure as I believe it should be. But, I've come to see that without experiencing a little injustice, the burning passion for justice, and the determination to make something better, simply would not exist.

The moment you free yourself...

...and stop looking back.

I can keep wishing that certain things hadn't happened. I can keep thinking about times when I was happier. I can keep hoping I'll look like I did before. I can keep wanting the bad memories to go away. Or I can make them go away. I can make myself who I want to be... I can look how I want to look. I can love better than I ever have, and make myself happier than I've ever been. I can do things that will make up for the things I wish I hadn't done. I can forgive the things I wish others hadn't done. I can look forward, and I can take control.

The moment you become a year older...

...it never really feels that different.

Try telling that to your year-younger self. One year ago, I hadn't lost the love of my life. One year ago, I hadn't made so many mistakes. One year ago, I hadn't gotten hit by a car. I hadn't been jaded, I hadn't become lost, and I hadn't found myself. One year ago I didn't have a job, nor did I have so many great memories with so many awesome people. I hadn't realized I wasn't unbreakable. I hadn't realized how reckless I was. I hadn't experienced things that made me thankful just to be able to laugh or wash my hair. I hadn't forgiven some people, and I hadn't yet needed forgiveness from others. So no, in a moment, there's not much that changes. But in a year, there's plenty.

The moment the "it'll never happen to me"...

...happens to you.

You always think, "I'll keep my head on straight." You always think, "I'll remember the license plate number." You think you'll be able to tell someone exactly what happened. You think you'll be able to file a report... to win a case... to get some money. You always think wrong.

The only thing I'm thinking now is how lucky I was, how grateful I am to God for keeping me safe, and how wonderful my friends are.

The moment the city lights begin to sparkle...

...my soul comes alive.

It's like the world is on fire. It's like glitter falls from the heavens. For a brief moment in the day, everything bad, ugly, and stressful melts away into the light. It makes me realize how beautiful this place really is. I realize how beautiful my home is, how beautiful my love is, and how beautiful my life is.

Countdown (n.):

1. the backward counting in fixed time units from the initiation of a project.
2. a period of increasing activity, tension, or anxiety, as before a deadline.

6 days: Mom's/Amy's birthday!
7 days: my 2 year anniversary!
26 days: school starts back up!
28 days: MOVE IN TO OUR APARTMENT!!!!

A lot of things are happening... they are new and exciting and frustrating. And I love it. And I love life. :)

To reconnect (v.):

1. connect back together.
2. reestablish a bond of communication or emotion.

When it seems like work will never end... when it seems like I've given up my life for this... to accomplish these dreams, to make it happen... when it seems like I'm growing up way too fast...

It's good to reconnect. To be a kid again. To grasp at that freedom once again. It's refreshing. Work hard, play hard... and take a breather every now and then.

Journey (n.):

1. a distance, course, or area traveled or suitable for travel.
2. passage or progress from one stage to another.

It's been long. It's been challenging. It's been the best, and the worst.
I've been alone. I've had friends. I've lost friends.
I found a best friend. I found a lover. I fell in love. I broke someone's heart. I broke my own heart.
We came through the rough spots. We laughed together. We cried together. We yelled at each other. We snuck off together. We kissed each other. We hated each other (but never really did). We came together. We moved away. We lost ourselves. And we found each other again.
This journey is unpredictable. It's exhilirating. It's scary as hell. We're growing up. Time is flying by and has no intention of slowing down.
It's our time now. It's frightening. We're young. We're children. We're taking control of our lives. We have to. We have no idea what we're doing.

We have each other.

Blessed (adj.):

1. divinely or supremely favored; fortunate.
2. blissfully happy or contented.

It's unfortunate that only in the face of tragedy do we open our eyes to how beautiful the world is. It's sad that we only see how much we have when we see how much another has lost.

I am blessed. Blessed with a family, blessed with a place to go when it seems that I'm alone. I'm blessed with strength, with love, with support and happiness... I'm blessed with something to live for.

Life is far too fragile to take anything for granted.

To stand (v.):

1. to take a position or place.
2. to take up or maintain a position or attitude.
3. to remain firm or steadfast.

When we first met, I was in the process of making myself into the person I had always wanted to be. And it wasn't because of you. All you did was show me that the person I had become was someone worth loving... someone to be proud of. And I loved me. And I was proud of myself.
When this first started, I told myself, and everyone else, that I could stand alone. So, that's what I'm going to do.
When this first started, I said, "I am who I am, with or without you." I think it's time that I proved that.

Serenity (n.):

1. the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil.

Maybe it's time that I just sat back and let life come as it will. Because life is too short to stress over. And we are not in control. It is not up to us to decide what happens in the universe. It is only up to us to decide how we're going to react to it.

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

To belong (v.):

1. to be proper or due; to be properly or appropriately placed, situated, etc.

Sweatpants. Tank top. Early morning. Laying on the hard, concrete gym floor. The smell of paint, floor, guard. The most comfortable place I've ever slept. Every muscle aching, feet throbbing, bruises in places I didn't even realize. Incessant clapping. Yelling. "Oh dear God, we need to do that again." Rifles dropping. Poles clanking against each other. Sun shining through the flags in the windowsill. Dusty bars of light falling on the floor, making the shooting star sparkle even more than usual. And amidst all of the pain, the noise, the fatigue, the sweat and tears and the long hours, I find peace.

I know, this is exactly where I belong.

Love (n.):

1. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.
2. a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair.
3. a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, arising from a sense of underlying oneness.

I carry love on my arms,
And scars in my heart.

I know I shouldn't blame it on love. Love did not hurt me. In fact, love is the only thing in the world that can take it away. But the scars remind me that the past is real. And maybe they'll remind me to think twice before I even let myself come close to falling in love again.

Expectation (n.):

1. something expected; a thing to look forward to.
2. a prospect of future good or profit.

The best things in life happen when you least expect them. I guess it's just natural to start expecting things of people... we come to accept what they do as normal, and then when it changes, we're completely thrown off base. Well no more. Having no expectations is the only sure-fire way in this world to guarantee that I won't be disappointed. It's the only way to make sure that I don't take for granted the things that I have been blessed with.

Expect nothing, and appreciate everything.

Hope (n.):

1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
2. a person or thing in which expectations are centered.
3. something that is hoped for.

"She's just a stupid little girl, with hopes much too high, and feelings way too strong... especially for a boy like you."

Particular (adj.):

1. exceptionally selective, attentive, or exacting; picky.

Maybe it shouldn't be that we don't let ourselves trust anyone. Maybe we should just be more selective when it comes to who we let in. Maybe we should take a look around us, at who has really been there, and realize that no, it's not that we have trust issues, it's just that we know who we can trust... and that those select few are more than enough. :)

Fair (adj.):

1. free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice.
2. consistent with rules, logic, or ethics.

Ex. "All is fair in love in war."

Well I certainly hope all is not fair in love and war. Because, if all is fair in love, then there's no way that this can be love.

Wasted (adj.):

1. done to no avail; useless.
2. not profitably used.

Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.

i.e. Vegging with your bestie watching The Office for seven hours during a snowstorm. (:

To be (v.):

1. used as a copula, to connect the subject with its adjective, in order to describe or identify the subject.

I was damaged. I was not strong. I was broken. I was ruined. I was falling. I was failing. I was found. I was amazing. I was better than that. I was strong. I was different. I was special. I was stunning. I was everything you wanted. I was your love. I was hurt. I was wrong. I was not the only one you thought of. I was shattered.
I am not weak. I am not pathetic. I am happy. I am beautiful. I am proud. I am stubborn. I am not letting this control me. I am not perfect. I am worth it. And I am pissing you off. I am confused as to what you want me to be.
I am forgiving. I am willing. I am waiting. I am better than this.

To convince (v.):

1. to move by argument or evidence to belief.
2. to persuade; cajole.

I don't need you to pay attention to me to know that I'm eye-catching. I don't care that you'll only approach me in private, because I know that I'm worth showing off, and that you're missing out. It doesn't matter if you're smiling with another girl, because I can still laugh with or without you there. I'm not going to give you a second look, because I'm not going to be there at your disposal. I don't have to let you in. I don't have to take you back.
I don't have to tell myself these things. But maybe if I do... one day I'll actually believe them with everything I have.

Maybe (adv.):

1. perhaps; possibly.

Ex. Maybe it doesn't have to be that big of a deal. Maybe she's a bitch, but she's the one who's satisfied. Maybe I should stop worrying about what will make me better than them, and start worrying about what will make me happy. Maybe I should pray. Maybe I am scared, but who isn't? Maybe tomorrow will be the best day of my life. Maybe I'm damaged, but at least it lets me know that I can survive. Maybe laughter is all I really need. Maybe I am hurting, but at least I know I'm alive. Maybe he's lying. Or maybe they're wrong. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I don't know where I'm going, but I have fun getting there anyway. Maybe it's that simple. Maybe I am enough.

Bargain (n.):

1. an agreement between parties settling what each shall give and take in a transaction.

I'll make you a deal. I'll prove to you that I am that strong girl you know and love... and you prove to me that all guys are not the same.

Broken (adj.):

1. weakened in strength, spirit.
2. not functioning properly; out of working order.
3. reduced to fragments.

"And this is the sound of a broken heart beating.
Almost died when I found your heart cheating.
I won't survive very much longer."

Weakness (n.):

1. the state or quality of being weak; lack of strength; feebleness.
2. an inadequate or defective quality, as in a person's character; slight fault.
3. the longing to go running back to him in tears; the longing to say, "I know I said I wouldn't call, But I'm all alone, And I need you now."

But, what would be the use. He hurt me too... hurt me more. I can't forget that. So, I'll sit here, surrounded by all of the people who will listen and nod, and look at me with their empty stares and their pitying eyes... the ones who will never really understand. I guess it's something I'll have to sacrifice for the sake of growing stronger.

Home (n.):

1. any place of residence or refuge.
2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. an environment offering security and happiness.

Ex. "I fall asleep with my friends around me, Only place I know I'll feel safe.
I'm gonna call this home."

Determined (adj.):

1. resolute; staunch.

Ex. I am determined. Determined to be successful. To make it on my own. To be free. To be loved. To be beautiful. To live each moment. I am who I am. It is no one else's job. It is no one else's responsibility. I am determined to be who I want to be.

Jealousy (n.):

1. a feeling of jealous envy.
2. a suspicion or fear of being replaced by a rival.
3. a picture, a joke, or a word that reaches down inside of you and plants that dark, familiar, and loathed sense of paranoia.
4. a longing for him to not be okay with her.
5. a fleeting fear that isn't worth ruining a love over.
6. a sorry excuse for my episodes.

What I wouldn't change...

...given the chance, is everything bad that ever happened to me. If even one thing were different, I would not be as strong, passionate, openminded, or pure of heart. I wouldn't be who I am.

But more than that, I wouldn't be the girl that someone loves.
And that simple fact makes it all worth it.

100% Satisfaction.

"With friends like these,
Who needs enemies?"

♥Quad, Trio, SMH, Seniors :)

New Year's Resolutions

I will...
1. Manage my time.
2. Start making it for myself.
3. Live in the present.
4. Be more active.
5. Make the most of my days.
6. Be less jealous/paranoid.
7. Forget my fears.
8. Re-learn the piano.
9. Not be defined by others' thoughts.
10. Love more deeply than ever.
11. Paint.
12. Avoid drama.
13. Let myself find peace of mind.