Cleaning out a room is always hard... You go in the top of your closet... Find that old box of stuff that you buried under everything in order to hide it from yourself. And face it, you can't just walk away. There's a reason you kept the stuff right? So, you open the box (although you know you shouldn't). And all of those things you didn't even know that you had... the little things... the papers, and tags, and photos, and bottle tops... They jump out at you and catch you off guard. A page in a yearbook, or a scribble on a sticky note.
And it's not about losing those things. All of a sudden you've grown up and those things are far far in the distance. Two years ago at the least.
What's worse is that it made me realize something. That for all the things that I did, that I had to do for me, that I will never ever regret doing... I can finally feel the weight of what I've done. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad to know that I blew it off like it was no big deal. Like I wasn't breaking someone's heart and altering a major part of what they had come to be familiar with as their life. Quite frankly... it kills me. Because as sorry as I can be, I didn't say it soon enough. I had to do what I had to do, but that doesn't mean I had to let go of compassion. Whereas I will say that I wasn't the only one who was wrong, my anger at being accused was no excuse to blow off another's feelings... they were understandable. Maybe I'm seeing it now because I realize that more than anything I lost a very very good friend, and that nothing will ever be quite the same. Maybe it hurts because I know that I have yet to be forgiven... Or that I know that my words will mean nothing to the person they are intended for... Or maybe most of all, that I know that I have no reason to be forgiven.
And that's why I will more than gladly accept what karma has given to me... Because it's my turn now...
I'm still sorry.
You know who you are.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Lazy Days and Stormy Summer Nights...
Three days have passed since graduation, and already I'm bored. It's the summer curse. Not that I don't appreciate the break or anything... It's just that I need to be doing something. Not even doing something necessarily, I just need to be around someone. Ugh.. and yet, even though I have nothing to do, I still have so much going on.
1: I'm attempting to start my new photography business with my best friend Amy. Right now, it's a work in progress, but we're getting there. We've put up some of our older photos on our new blog, http://artisticepisodes.blogspot.com/ if you wanna check it out. Trust me, we have a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, but if you or anyone you know wants a photoshoot for cheap, let us know... we could really use the help! :)
2: The neverending quest for a vehicle. It's damn near fruitless. And I'm all on my own. Of course I don't have the money but you know... no big deal. Anyway, if anyone knows of a car, '95 or newer preferably, with less than 100k miles, for less than $7000... let me know por favorrr!
3: I go to orientation in 5 DAYS. ohmygod. I'm so excited!! More than that though, I am excited for move-in day... August 15. This weekend I bought comforter set, bathroom set, and wall decorations for my PRIVATE ROOM AND BATH! AH! Decorating a room is always so much fun. The day I live on my own cannot come soon enough.
4: All the things I am counting down to!!
5 days - Orientation
Less than 2 months - My one year anniversary :)
2 months, 5 days - Move In!
3 months, 5 days - My legalization!!! =D
And of course, doing the important summer things... shopping and hanging with my bestie!! Seriously... my movie collection increased by about 40% just from one trip to Movie Stop on Saturday. Holden and I really shouldn't go in there... we have a problem. I got to spend another awesome night with my love watching another awesome (and sad) movie (Atonement. see it.). And then last night was spent with my best friend, launching our photography stuffs and watching The Breakfast Club. Exactly my kind of best friends night. :)
Today slowed down a bit though. It's days like this that I start to get bored. So yeah, I tanned, edited and posted photos, french tipped my nails, looked for a car, and watched Man on Fire... but somehow I feel like I was a little worthless today. ;) On the bright side... Holden came by to see me! With a hotdog from Five Guys! Do I need any more reasons why he is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world? :) I was so happy to see him, even if only for a few minutes.
I also got another graduation present. But this one wasn't like most that I've been getting. First of all... it's from my grandaddy's second wife, who has survived him now for three years. She called a few weeks ago to ask me for an announcement, saying that she wanted to send me something. So today, I opened the box, and in it was a large square jewelry box. I made sure to read the card first, and I'm glad that I did. She told me how proud she was, how much my grandaddy loved me, and how happy he would be. Then she told me that this gift that she was sending had been picked out long before my grandaddy passed away, and suggested that they had thought maybe I could wear it at my wedding. I opened the box and it was a pearl necklace with pearl earrings. I honestly cried. My grandaddy passed away three years ago in February. I've always felt that I never spent the time with him that I should have. To get something from him now, now that he has been gone for three years... it almost makes it like he is here again.
And now I'm just sitting here, listening to the thunder and the rain, watching the lightning, and letting it wash away all of the stressful, unnecessary thoughts from my mind and clear the anxiety from my soul. And in a minute I'm going to go get in my bed, listen to my best friend tell me how much he loves me, tell him in return, and fall asleep to the soothing sound of that voice that I know so well, and love so dearly. Goodnight. :)
1: I'm attempting to start my new photography business with my best friend Amy. Right now, it's a work in progress, but we're getting there. We've put up some of our older photos on our new blog, http://artisticepisodes.blogspot.com/ if you wanna check it out. Trust me, we have a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, but if you or anyone you know wants a photoshoot for cheap, let us know... we could really use the help! :)
2: The neverending quest for a vehicle. It's damn near fruitless. And I'm all on my own. Of course I don't have the money but you know... no big deal. Anyway, if anyone knows of a car, '95 or newer preferably, with less than 100k miles, for less than $7000... let me know por favorrr!
3: I go to orientation in 5 DAYS. ohmygod. I'm so excited!! More than that though, I am excited for move-in day... August 15. This weekend I bought comforter set, bathroom set, and wall decorations for my PRIVATE ROOM AND BATH! AH! Decorating a room is always so much fun. The day I live on my own cannot come soon enough.
4: All the things I am counting down to!!
5 days - Orientation
Less than 2 months - My one year anniversary :)
2 months, 5 days - Move In!
3 months, 5 days - My legalization!!! =D
And of course, doing the important summer things... shopping and hanging with my bestie!! Seriously... my movie collection increased by about 40% just from one trip to Movie Stop on Saturday. Holden and I really shouldn't go in there... we have a problem. I got to spend another awesome night with my love watching another awesome (and sad) movie (Atonement. see it.). And then last night was spent with my best friend, launching our photography stuffs and watching The Breakfast Club. Exactly my kind of best friends night. :)
Today slowed down a bit though. It's days like this that I start to get bored. So yeah, I tanned, edited and posted photos, french tipped my nails, looked for a car, and watched Man on Fire... but somehow I feel like I was a little worthless today. ;) On the bright side... Holden came by to see me! With a hotdog from Five Guys! Do I need any more reasons why he is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world? :) I was so happy to see him, even if only for a few minutes.
I also got another graduation present. But this one wasn't like most that I've been getting. First of all... it's from my grandaddy's second wife, who has survived him now for three years. She called a few weeks ago to ask me for an announcement, saying that she wanted to send me something. So today, I opened the box, and in it was a large square jewelry box. I made sure to read the card first, and I'm glad that I did. She told me how proud she was, how much my grandaddy loved me, and how happy he would be. Then she told me that this gift that she was sending had been picked out long before my grandaddy passed away, and suggested that they had thought maybe I could wear it at my wedding. I opened the box and it was a pearl necklace with pearl earrings. I honestly cried. My grandaddy passed away three years ago in February. I've always felt that I never spent the time with him that I should have. To get something from him now, now that he has been gone for three years... it almost makes it like he is here again.
And now I'm just sitting here, listening to the thunder and the rain, watching the lightning, and letting it wash away all of the stressful, unnecessary thoughts from my mind and clear the anxiety from my soul. And in a minute I'm going to go get in my bed, listen to my best friend tell me how much he loves me, tell him in return, and fall asleep to the soothing sound of that voice that I know so well, and love so dearly. Goodnight. :)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Moving on...
So yeah, my last post was cut short... I feel like I was distracted somehow by Shelby running in frantically telling us that she had answered the phone inappropriately and it had been the front desk... :) good times.
But now... Now is graduation time. Today was my first day off of school. And already I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should be sad, or scared, or something at least... But I don't seem to have the capacity to feel... I believe that this change is all just so enormous that I can't even rightly comprehend it. I should be remembering these last few months... But somehow it feels so unreal. Yet I know that when these two months fly by and August 15 comes and I am moving into my dorm, to live on my own... It will be very very real.
Time is something so utterly incomprehensible to me. (Don't ever try to talk to me about time travel, you'll be explaining for hours.) What happened to yesterday, when I was in eighth grade? When high school was new to me, and guard was frightening... When I didn't know Shelby, Becca, Heather, Erin, Matthew, Bridgette, or Morgan... When life was simple (though we didn't believe it)...
Is it really my time to go like I've watched so many others do? This day would never come, and yet here it is, four days off. Just like it doesn't seem like I'll ever be in that dorm, or in college. It's all like a dream.
Somehow I've been prepared, yet I know I am not... Not when I'm little more than that silly, insecure eighth grader that I was not long ago.
And what of my relationships? The people who have been my life for 7, 8, even 9 years... Will slowly fade from my daily life... Into my high school aquaintances. It makes me feel old.
All I know is that it's coming no matter what, and all the pondering in the world that I can do will not stop it. So, here I am... prepared to take what life gives me, and make it work.
But now... Now is graduation time. Today was my first day off of school. And already I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should be sad, or scared, or something at least... But I don't seem to have the capacity to feel... I believe that this change is all just so enormous that I can't even rightly comprehend it. I should be remembering these last few months... But somehow it feels so unreal. Yet I know that when these two months fly by and August 15 comes and I am moving into my dorm, to live on my own... It will be very very real.
Time is something so utterly incomprehensible to me. (Don't ever try to talk to me about time travel, you'll be explaining for hours.) What happened to yesterday, when I was in eighth grade? When high school was new to me, and guard was frightening... When I didn't know Shelby, Becca, Heather, Erin, Matthew, Bridgette, or Morgan... When life was simple (though we didn't believe it)...
Is it really my time to go like I've watched so many others do? This day would never come, and yet here it is, four days off. Just like it doesn't seem like I'll ever be in that dorm, or in college. It's all like a dream.
Somehow I've been prepared, yet I know I am not... Not when I'm little more than that silly, insecure eighth grader that I was not long ago.
And what of my relationships? The people who have been my life for 7, 8, even 9 years... Will slowly fade from my daily life... Into my high school aquaintances. It makes me feel old.
All I know is that it's coming no matter what, and all the pondering in the world that I can do will not stop it. So, here I am... prepared to take what life gives me, and make it work.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
*sigh* Dayton...
because Jared says I must... :)
*tear tear* last trip to Dayton... and the first day is complete.
There are so many memories to think about, and yet so many moments to experience. To reminisce, or to live the new ones.
It's funny to think about my past seasons. It's funny to think about how far away they seem. How well I remember them, and how blurry they are at the same time. Planning the senior parties, and now, being the one being planned for. Crying that my seniors, my role model, and best friend, were leaving, not being able to imagine spinning without them. And now being the one moving onward and upward. To what I'm familiar with? Or to something new?
These times are my favorite memories: buying cheap sunglasses with Erin and Matty at AIA in NC; doing the first initiation skit in Dayton mocking the instructors; buying "I Heart My Extra Three Inches" shirts; watching Friends nonstop on the way to and from Dayton, singing the theme song every time and clapping to it; getting glowstick matter all overr the walls; it snowing... always; mall trips; crashing the instructors' room with Erin and Matty; senior shindigs at Chuck E Cheese; countless floor foldings, successes, failures, tears, laughs, and everything in between...
*tear tear* last trip to Dayton... and the first day is complete.
There are so many memories to think about, and yet so many moments to experience. To reminisce, or to live the new ones.
It's funny to think about my past seasons. It's funny to think about how far away they seem. How well I remember them, and how blurry they are at the same time. Planning the senior parties, and now, being the one being planned for. Crying that my seniors, my role model, and best friend, were leaving, not being able to imagine spinning without them. And now being the one moving onward and upward. To what I'm familiar with? Or to something new?
These times are my favorite memories: buying cheap sunglasses with Erin and Matty at AIA in NC; doing the first initiation skit in Dayton mocking the instructors; buying "I Heart My Extra Three Inches" shirts; watching Friends nonstop on the way to and from Dayton, singing the theme song every time and clapping to it; getting glowstick matter all overr the walls; it snowing... always; mall trips; crashing the instructors' room with Erin and Matty; senior shindigs at Chuck E Cheese; countless floor foldings, successes, failures, tears, laughs, and everything in between...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Late Nights and Snow Fights
SNOWWWWW!!!!
for the first time in like ummm... four years? we have a snow day! and it doesn't end there... we have not one, not two, but three! snow days!! and I must say, nothing beats days on end, taking pictures in the snow with your friends, staying up all night, fitting in as many movies as you can, laughing uncontrollably and loving the moment that you're in.
I haven't written in a while. And this isn't a very long post. But i just had to make a shoutout to my girls. I'll be profound at a later and less tiring time. =)
♥
for the first time in like ummm... four years? we have a snow day! and it doesn't end there... we have not one, not two, but three! snow days!! and I must say, nothing beats days on end, taking pictures in the snow with your friends, staying up all night, fitting in as many movies as you can, laughing uncontrollably and loving the moment that you're in.
I haven't written in a while. And this isn't a very long post. But i just had to make a shoutout to my girls. I'll be profound at a later and less tiring time. =)
♥
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