The moment you glimpse that light at the end of the tunnel...

So much stress. So much work. So much, "but I have to study." The end is finally near. The termination of possibly one of the most, not difficult, but challenging semesters of my life is so close. And it's only now that I realize that I don't need to worry so much. All I need to do is have a little faith in myself. Because I HAVE done it. And I'm proud of myself. I've pushed myself, and I've accomplished something I didn't think I could. And it gives me faith that maybe these other dreams that I have aren't so far-fetched after all.
So... two more. :) Here I come.

A moment to appreciate: Lite 98.

Thank you, Lite 98, for bringing holiday joy to my car for an entire month before Christmas. The feeling of the holidays, all wrapped up into wonderful Christmas songs... I love it. I can't even describe the happiness I feel when I hear Christmas music, see decorations, smell the foods, smell the air... I love this season. I love this holiday. It's happiness, and warmth... and most of all, it's love.

The moment that perfection isn't even enough.

After all of this hard work, the stress, the tears, and the lack of sleep, I realize that even perfection isn't good enough. So yeah, it's my responsibility... it's because of the things that I've done that I'm even in this situation in the first place. But why am I going to be given the chance to redeem myself, if even perfection won't get me there? Why, even if I do the best that it is physically possible for me to do, am I still going to fall short? I know if I had just stepped up a little earlier, this wouldn't be a problem. But that's human nature, and human nature is coupled with the chance to grow and change. I've turned my life upside down. I've started completely new. And I've reached the top. I've done the best that I'm allowed to do, and I'm still going to be punished. And the worst part is, it's not about impressing anyone or living up to my own standards anymore. It's about surviving. Even if I make them proud, even if I am proud of myself... none of it matters. It doesn't mean that I'll make it.

The moment your muscles start to ache...

...and nothing in the world could be wrong.

Stretching. Spinning. Feeling every muscle in my body working like they haven't in months. Waking up and feeling that lingering ache that tells me that I worked my hardest. And it's only the beginning. The moment I step into a gym, and see all of the people I love... the moment we all pile into our cars and make a trip to the grocery store in our tanks and shorts in the middle of winter, shrieking with laughter the whole way there and singing our hearts out... the moment it all just comes back to me, like something so familiar, like something that is ingrained into my very being... I know that there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't belong anywhere else. And in that moment, nothing else matters.

The moment it all comes tumbling down...

I'm stretched too thin. I never make enough to make rent. I literally don't have enough hours in the day to do all of the studying I need to do. I put everything I have into everything I do, and I do a lot of things. I always do this. I have to fail horribly at only one thing, or be mediocre at all things. But being mediocre is not an option, I have to be perfect. I do all I can and I give everything I do the best effort I have, and it's still not enough. It's not good enough. I don't make enough. I upset people. I do things wrong, and those are the only things that matter. It piles up and up and up until I literally just break. I'll apologize, I'll take the blame, and I'll push myself even harder. And then I'll recover, and start all over.