Things change when life's right there in front of you...

So, I was driving home tonight and Holden called me. I was on 60, and I always drive with one hand anyway, so I answered my phone. My mom started yelling at me to hang up, and I didn’t want to pull into my driveway while I was on the phone, so I told Holden I’d call him when I got home. I hung up. I’m on Judes Ferry Road at this point, so my mom said, “Turn on your brights.” I turn on my brights and within their range appear five deer in the road. I didn’t scream. I just hit the brakes. One turned around and came out into the road. I swear I got stopped no more than a few inches from it. My mom said she felt something hit us but I didn’t feel anything. I just wanted to sit there. To stay stopped. I wanted to get out of the car and walk. I wanted to be anywhere but in the driver’s seat right then.
I’ve driven slowly and carefully so many times before. Had my brights on the entire way down that road and into my neighborhood. And they were never there. But this time… This one time, when it was so close…
But the weirdest part is that in the moment I wasn’t scared. I knew that I’d stop before I hit it. Somehow I knew. But how could I have logically known that. It was just luck.
And what made me hang up the phone seconds before? What made my mom tell me at that point, when we had been on that road for a while to turn on my brights? If I hadn’t, I couldn’t have stopped in time. If I hadn’t hung up then, I would’ve wrecked, with Holden listening. So what made me do it?
And people say they can’t logically believe in God…

It’s not like I even got in a wreck, but it’s still a scary thing. I’m so overloaded right now. And I just want to be free. To be free like I am when I’m in the car with Holden, the bass so loud I can feel it in my soul, holding hands, joking, loving, living, and laughing uncontrollably for no good reason at all. And I can’t do that. I can’t even drive fast now with the music loud like I want to. Cause I never know what will be there…
My freedom is limited. Just when I was so close…
It scares me…