What we give to the world.

Gosh, I haven't written in almost a month. Not like I really have a lot of time right now to sit and do this... but I've got a lot on my mind.

I've always wondered about what I give to the world. What I show. It's never been what I really am. And I'm not quite sure why...
I wonder if that's what makes us. Isn't perception reality? Then how can we say that we don't show the world who we really are...
Perhaps I have started giving the world my true self... Though I'm not quite sure when that happened. I can't think of anyone who I act differently towards though. I don't think I really care that much...
But is that what I'm trying to be? Someone who doesn't care? Maybe that's what's hiding everything else...
Which is another thing that I've never understood. Hiding your discontentment from someone you care about. If they hurt you, how are they supposed to know? How should they know that it mattered?
A sign of weakness.... or a scar from another....
But if you can tell someone that they aren't like any other to you, then you should not have to hide from them what you hide from any other...
That weakness is vulnerability... and only one person can really do damage.
Then why should fear exist? When we open our hearts, they are there unprotected. That person has the ability to break us... Fear builds walls. Walls that say, "I'm sorry I'm skeptical, but I've been hurt before..."
That is not true vulnerability...
So when we "know," why does it still hurt? Because we had been hoping against it...
And why should it linger? What is with memory of pain?
It's not an obsession... It's not an attempt to remember the feeling... It is the feeling. It's all of the pain, right there like it's happening. But it's only a memory... building up walls.

Maybe the best thing to do is just pretend like you know what you're doing. People fall for an air of confidence.
Maybe I can make myself fall for it as well.