...had that girl's hair... could dress like that... could lose 5 pounds..." and I just get the eye roll and a condescending glare.My friends always tell me, "what I love about you is that you easily could have been one of those preppy, popular girls, but you're not." I could've had the perfectly tanned skin, the perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect everything... but I don't. Because I can't. And before I get too far into this, I'll say this... I know, I know. Some people would give anything to look like I do, to have the body that I have. I know that I'm really not that bad looking, that I could look a lot worse. But for some reason I still look at myself and see someone who needs to be skinnier. I see ratty old clothes and hair that won't ever look right. I see a high school kid instead of a 20-year old nearly graduated college student. And it makes me feel so selfish because I know that I shouldn't be complaining. But I just can't help but think, well if I could look like that, then why don't I? It makes me feel so stupid because I've never been the one to subscribe to society's rules about how girls should look and what kind of clothes they should wear. I wouldn't trade lives with those girls for anything, and I know that they are all fake and shallow and empty. But at the same time there's still this underlying desire within me to be the kind of girl that turns heads. It's so frustrating to know what I want, and to know that (apparently) I could get what I want, but that I just don't know how... that I just don't have the money... that I just don't have the time. Maybe I'm shallow. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I'm being selfish and complaining. But pretty people can be self-conscious, too. Skinny people can have body image issues, too. And that's something that not a lot of people can understand. It's not the most important thing in life, and that's why I'm still the way I am... because I have other priorities. But it's always there. An itch in the back of my mind. And it's irritating and it's even more irritating that something so small and stupid bothers me so much.
2 comments:
i think it's okay to have that itch in the back of your mind, i don't think it's possible to have been bred in this society without it. but what's special about you is that you do have priorities, and you do have your head on straight. i know it sucks to want that little extra, and you don't know why you don't go and get it. and it's an extremely consuming way of thinking. but i do know one thing: the only people that are worth the effort are the ones that love you exactly the way you are. you know when we're out and people do turn heads? it's not in a "look how perfect they are" way. it's a "look at that group of friends, and how happy and stupid they are together" way. that's the best turn-of-the-head we could ask for. i know it's not a mentality that is easily changed or forgotten and it sucks. but, the fact that you do put things before looking "perfectly" says more about your character than your image. and chelsea merritt, for the record, you are stunningly beautiful on the inside and out, and i am so proud and happy to be able to call you my best friend. <3
I don't really know what to say except I love you. and thank you. and I'm proud and happy that you're my best friend too because you're the best I could ask for. :)
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