A Multitude...

The Time Bomb...

Somehow, there has been this black hole of the space-time continuum or something that has sucked up my summer. I have 19 days. NINETEEN. days. Three weeks. You know how long three weeks is? Three weeks ago was Fourth of July. Say what?? That was yesterday! And here's the biggest problem. Next week, I'm with my mom again. So that week will, POOF!, disappear as well. I'm freaking. out. here. In three weeks I'm moving out. And as exciting as it is, I must admit, I'm terrified. My life is changing and from here on out... it'll never go back to where it was before. Not to mention, I don't have nearly the money that I need... or a job lined up for school. *Deep breath* Three weeks...

The Mind...

Sometimes I wonder when it was that I got like this. I wonder when it was that life began to take it's toll. When it was that I began to have these wounds and scars on my life. You never notice when it's happening. Now I look back, and I don't remember not being affected by the memories and the wondering. The problem is, it's not enough to say that I'll be better, that I won't think about it, or I won't let it affect me. Because it's never me. Yes, I think it... I talk about it... but something else always triggers it. And for that thought to go away, it has to be resolved. The opportunity for doubt has to be abolished. That, or medication has to take away the thoughts altogether... I'm willing. I just don't want to upset him anymore.

The Countdowns...

11 days until my best friends 18th birthday/my mom's birthday...
12 days until my one year anniversary!...
19 days until I move in...
24 days until classes start...
50 days until I become legal!

The Extras...

I hate the Best Buy Geek Squad for not fixing my laptop, for sending it out to be fixed, for saying it would be two weeks, and for it being more than three weeks now. *fumes*
My upcoming week looks like work, a day with the bestie, going through my stuff, and working on my scrapbook for Holden and me!
Updates to follow.

:) Peace.

Monophobia vs. Being Alone in a Crowd... And the Lonely Drives Home

Monophobia (the fear of being alone) is one of the most common fears in the world. Some people like being alone in a crowd... losing themselves, if you will. I wonder what monophobia actually entails though. Is anyone really afraid of being absolutely alone? Alone in your room, blogging, or thinking... alone in your car, singing your heart out... alone wherever, with only yourself to worry about.

I think I have monophobia... but I'm okay with being alone. Completely alone that is. Being alone in a crowded room is something completely different. All of that movement and bustling around you, people talking, looking, wondering why you're alone. And, God forbid someone talk to you. You'd think it would be strange for someone who's shy to be afraid of being alone. But not really. Shy people don't like being stared at... they don't like talking to people they don't know. Being alone in a crowd is so surreal. And I've never felt more lonely than when I was eating, by myself, at the mall. It almost made me want to throw up. I haven't seen Holden for days... and it's just not natural. Whenever someone I know sees me alone they ask me where my other half is. I don't like not being with somebody I know. It makes me vulnerable. And lonely.

But the rain... the rain is peaceful. Driving home in torrential downpour... that's a different kind of alone. There's no one with you. You're dreadfully alone. Just you and the road and the rain. And as scary as it is, it's kind of peaceful. Just like I saw the world in another way at the mall, I saw it in another way on the highway. Except, it was different. Rather than being detached from the situation, I was very much in it. The only surreal aspect was the way that everything looks different in the night and the rain. You slow down... notice a lot more things.

And then, there's the lonliness of another phone conversation gone bad. When all I want to do is hide and never do another productive thing, except that would make me upset as well being unproductive... And it's not that my best friend can't understand me as much as he doesn't try to understand. And half of it's my fault... but I asked him to be considerate. And when the phone dies and there's no return call... I'm left, not sad, or angry... just utterly alone... in thought and emotion.

So quiet Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Exhale
Another wasted breath, Again it goes unnoticed
Please tell me you're just feeling tired 'Cause if it's more than that I
fear that I might break
Out of touch out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed 'Cause I can't read your
rolling eyes
Out of touch are we out of time
Close lipped Another goodnight kiss Is robbed of all its passion
Your grip Another time is slack
It leaves me feeling empty
Please tell me you're just feeling tired 'Cause if it's more than that I
feel that I might break
Out of touch out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed 'Cause I can't read your
rolling eyes
Out of touch, are we out of time
I'll wait until tomorrow Maybe you'll feel better then Maybe we'll be
better then
So what's another day When I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going
on without you
This mood of yours is temporary
It seems worth the wait To see you smile again
Out of the corner of your eye Won’t be the only way you're looking at me
then
So quiet Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Exhale
Another wasted breath, Again it goes unnoticed

- Again I Go Unnoticed, Dashboard Confessional

SKTCH SITU 101: Intro to Hella Sketch Situations

Now in order to give this story the credit it deserves, I'm going to give you a little background that may not seem to correlate at first, but trust me, it all comes together.


A few weeks ago, Holden and the guys went out to the quarry in Goochland to be idiots and jump off of cliffs and such. A few days later, Holden called me all sad, telling me that he couldn't find my class ring, which he wore around his neck at all times. He looked for it around the farm, but I finally resigned myself to the fact that it was gone forever.


I just got a new job, and yesterday and today, had to attend job training for it over on Hull St. So, in the middle of training, I get a text from a friend saying that his sister's friend found my class ring at the quarry in Goochland and he gave me her number.


So, I'm going to leave training today, and my car won't start. (I'm in Richmond... on Hull St... btw.) So, I open the hood and try to start my car and a couple of guys walk by like, "Yo, there somethin wrong wit yah starter." So, I'm like wonderful. Then this man comes over and says that he'll try to give me a jump. So he brings over his old blue Ford that barely runs itself, and gives me a jump. Luckily, that did the trick.


So, I go home and call Amy and we plan to go out to Fourth Fridays. She comes and picks me up, and we go over there. (We didn't actually end up going but that's not important.) So on the way we realize that her car is on E. Also, I texted this girl that apparently had my ring and asked her where she could meet me. She said Lucky's on 711. I didn't want to go by myself, so Amy and I agreed that we'd go back to my house, use my car, and go out there. So we did.


When we got home, my car wouldn't start. Again. So, we got cables out of Amy's car and jumped my car. I texted the girl to tell her that we were on our way. So we get there, and without thinking, I turn off my car. Bad. idea. Of course, now it won't start. The gas station is completely deserted, and the girl hasn't gotten there yet. So we go inside and ask the man if they sell jumper cables, which they don't. As we're walking inside, we hear a storm warning alert come over the speakers. And at this point we're pretty much going, "FML." Finally, the girl calls and says that she's on her way. We also asked a very nice lady who apparently works at VCU if she had jumper cables, which she kindly ran home and got for us.


So, while we were waiting, we went inside and got an energy drink, and of course, did some documentation.

The ominous storm at the hella sketch gas station.

My dead car... and the perfect horror movie scenario.

F. Our. Lives.

Drug of choice... caffiene.

And of course its consequences.

Thankfully, we came out of said situation alive and with no attacking or raping occuring, I got my ring back, and we got one hell of a story. :)

*sigh* Only us.

Peace.

Stress Relief Devices...

Along with new cars come new insurance policies, fill-ups on gas, and all sorts of other nifty odds and ends, that happen to necessitate the dinero. So, what does a girl like me do? Goes and complains to her boyfriend who, in turn, twists her arm to apply for the great new job that he just got, which she does, and consequently, ends up with.

Well. What is this second job, you ask? A sales representative for Vector Marketing Corporation (Since 1981), demonstrating and selling CUTCO (Since 1949) cutlery, flatware, garden tools, and sporting knives.

So what's my problem?

• Am I going to actually make any more money at this job?
• Income directly reflects how many appointments one gets/how much merchandise one sells.

And I have no worries that I will be able to communicate with people (especially after training),

• but what if they just aren't interested?
• What if the economy is too bad to sell?
• What if I do poorly and I waste my time and gas?
• There's a lot at stake with a sales job... it's not necessarily a steady income.

Now, I'm not quitting my other job of course, but that almost makes things worse.

• When am I going to have time to have a summer?
• I have to have at least about 2 appointments a day Monday through Friday to make good pay... and that's on top of my Gold's Gym job.

And with so many questions and concerns, of course what's the first thing I do? Stress the hell out about it. It's a serious issue. I worry entirely too much. Of course there's nothing I can do about it now. So what am I thinking about it for? If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I quit, and move on. Oh well, I tried it... but it's just not for me. And if it works, well great! I've done something new and become successful at it. So why let myself be stressed. I just don't need that right now. Of course, this is more for me right now than anything. It's just the way that I work. It's honestly a problem that I'm trying really hard to remedy... and I figure if I just keep telling myself this that eventually it'll get through.

Maybe I'll remember this in the days to come. If not, it's documented... so there's proof that I was sane at one point.

Summer To-Do List...

Things I've done this summer, am going to do, or hope to work toward. Will update periodically.

1. Dance in the pouring rain.
2. Kiss in the pouring rain.
3. Enjoy the sun through the trees on a beautiful afternoon.
4. Get a better job.
5. Get a car.
6. Get a tan.
7. Appreciate the little moments. Like lunch at Rosa's. Or a nut shell with a heart on it.
8. Read. A lot.
9. Figure myself out.
10. Chill out a little bit.
11. Accept the distance, and let it only make me stronger.
12. Learn to forgive.
13. Learn to let it go. The little things are just bumps in the road.
14. Prepare myself to be an adult.
15. Clean out my room.
16. Take responsibility.
17. Grow my hair out.
18. Love life. Day to day.
19. Be more optimistic.
20. Be more confident.
21. Get it together. Control my emotional reactions.
22. Save some money.
23. Have a (guard) girls night.
24. Walk the beach at night with my best friend.
25. Waste away the night watching movies and snuggling.
26. Sell all of that stuff that I really don't need.
27. Feel the most terrible yet completely selfless pain.
28. Work on my movie collection.
29. Get a photography business going.
30. Swim in the river.
31. Make it happen. Whatever it may be. And no matter what it is.
32. Manage my time.
33. Catch fireflies.
34. Spread happiness.