The moments I have come to fear.

The only thing worse than experiencing overwhelming, inescapable, mind-numbing sadness, is not knowing the cause of it.

Cause if I don't have a reason for it... then I just have a problem.

The moment I lose my way.

For most of my life, I've pretty much had a plan. I knew I was going to go to college, and through all of high school I knew that I was going to go to VCU. I knew that I wanted to be a crime scene investigator. I knew that I was going to marry Holden, and marry young.

And now I've reached a pivotal point in my life. And I'm starting to wonder if this is where I'm supposed to be... if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm graduating in one year, and need to apply for graduate school even sooner. I have no idea what to study, no idea what I want to do. I'm thinking more and more that working in the field isn't what I want to do, but I don't even know my other options, much less how to get there. I'm trying to start planning a wedding so that I have enough time and it'll be perfect, but I'm not even engaged yet. We don't have enough money to have it a year from now, but if it's two years from now, why even start to bother? I don't know where I'm going to live, what job I'm going to have, or even what school I'll be going to. For the first time in my life, I can't see the path ahead of me.

Everything is up in the air and it scares me. I have to make huge life decisions with nothing to base them on. I have to schedule classes without knowing what job I'm going to have... I have to choose where to live without knowing where I'll be going to school... I have to start talking to wedding planners without having a ring or a date, and without knowing if I'll be able to afford what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have to plan invitations without knowing who I'll be friends with a year or two from now. I have to promise to pay bills, not knowing if I'll have a paycheck to pay them off with.

So maybe I'm not experiencing a crisis here, but there are way too many things to think about, and not enough security for me. I like to feel safe. I don't like to take chances when the risk is this high. This is the rest of my life we're talking about here. And all of these worries, though seemingly small, still manage to keep me up at night.

I know, I know, take the road less traveled, make your own path, etc. And I would, I really would. If I just knew where the hell I was trying to get to.

The moment life begins.

When is it really? I remember I spent all of last summer wishing that August would get here faster, so that Holden and I could move in, and our life together could finally start. Once we get into the apartment... once we get away from everyone else... once we get settled in... It will all get better. This is our life really coming together.

A few weeks ago, we went to look at a new (nicer) apartment, and to apply for new jobs. Again I found myself saying, if we can just get this apartment, if I can just get this job... things will start to come together. Our life will really start.

So what's one, two, five years down the road then? Will I ever feel like my life has already begun, or will I always be stuck in that place where it's just about to start, and if things would just fall into place then it would be fabulous? Will it be when we get married? When I graduate? Get my Master's, my PhD? When we build a house? Start a family? When I get a full-time, salaried job?

I feel like we're just stuck in-between. How do I go from a 13-year old kid to an adult taking out loans and paying mortgages? Cause I still feel like I'm just a kid, yet all of this stuff is coming up in the so-near-distant future.

And then I sit back, re-read this, and think about it... and in reality, my life began a long time ago. Why should I be sitting around, waiting for my real life to begin, missing out on the moments that life is offering me right now? This is my life. And it started on December 16, 2004, when a boy opened my eyes up to what life and happiness really were. This is our life. And it's not always glamorous. It's not perfect. But that doesn't mean that it's not real, that it doesn't belong to us. We don't know what the hell we're doing or where the hell we're going, but we're going, and we're going together. This life is my own. It has begun. It is my life. And I am responsible for it. I can't ignore it anymore.

The moment I finally get a break.

Exams are over. He is home. And the sun is shining.

Summer is finally here. :)

The moment history is made.

Osama Bin Laden was killed tonight.

For better or worse, we are witnessing history being made. Others will read about it for years to follow. We will say we remember exactly where we were, and exactly what we were doing, when we heard the news that America had taken down the greatest enemy of our time.