Sunday, January 11, 2009

"Take me somewhere familiar... So I can find myself again..."

It has been less than a month since I last posted, yet it feels like six. Life got crazy right there at the end before break... then I experienced the best week of my life. A week, straight, at the beach, at home, with the person I love, my best friend... every second spent with him... going shopping, going swimming, running out on the beach at night in the freezing air, watching the sunrise, celebrating New Year's, remembering our old promises and remaking them, laying in bed til two in the morning just watching TV and talking about nothing, beating each other up (playfully of course)... A lot of people would get annoyed, but it's just what I needed. It makes me sure. Because I always felt like, before, no matter how much time we spent together, it was never long enough. Spending every second with him, being me and loving him how I wanted to... it's just right. There's no thought, no worry. We just are. And are together. A part of each other.

...But that's one week.

And now I'm home. Now my tooth is aching. Now I get my wisdom teeth taken out. Now I have government projects, midterm exams, and college applications. Now we have our families, and our rules. Now he has his priorities...
There's nothing wrong with that. It's what we have to do. It's just a shock. And I'm lonely...

I'm making it work. I'm getting through the crap. But it's a blur. And I'm not living. And I just wonder what it is that makes me wake up. What is it that makes me alive? Because I've felt it... Felt it without obvious reason. That undying optimism. And now, when I am blessed with a best friend who is the love of my life, when I've been given the opportunity to get a great education, and when I have the most amazing friends in the world, I cannot find it.

I sometimes think that soon enough it will be like that week all the time. But then I wonder if it really will be. Or will it be four years apart. Of not seeing each other almost every day. We've been together for six years. And after that... once we can be together, what then? Jobs... responsibilities... people to take care of...

I hate worrying. And yet, it's inescapable.

I know it can be done. It has to be. Because I don't accept failure. But I do fear it.