Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A year ago, I was struggling with one of the biggest challenges I had faced in my life up to that point. Holden had just left for basic, I was alone, scared, taking care of myself, and trying to juggle school, work, guard, and friendships (successful and failing).
And now, a year later, I'm in a new apartment (and about to move to yet another one), with a new job, I've lost at least one friend and gained a couple more really good ones. I've met someone truly amazing that completely caught me off guard. I'm still alone at the moment, but I'm not lonely. Holden and I aren't together, which I thought would never happen, and I'm having feelings for someone else that I never thought I could have. I've realized that I do have the strength to make it on my own. I've realized that the only thing in my life that I know will never change is my best friend. And I've realized that a year flies by way too fast to spend it being afraid to speak your mind or take a chance. I feel like I've done more with myself in the past 4 months than I have in the past year or 2, and I like the feeling. I'm ready to take a chance and start this new chapter in my life and see where it takes me, because there's no going back. Only forward motion. And forward is where I want to go.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Endless questions, constantly plaguing my mind...
Does he feel the same way about me? Am I falling too hard, too fast? What exactly does he want out of this? What is this about for him? Am I as incredible to him as he is to me? Are actual feelings there, or is it just an attraction? Do I come off as desperate, or silly, or needy? Will he be disappointed if we take thing slow, or am I worth that?
I know where fear gets me, and I know where courage gets me. So, why am I still afraid? When he's proven to me that I don't have to be?
That's just me I guess. Always worrying... Always over thinking.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
I'm scared of looking foolish. I'm scared of not getting the reaction that I want. I'm scared of being disappointed, yet again.
I'm scared to say the things that I long to say. The things that run through my head, all day, every day, that I want to tell him so badly.
Like how he challenges everything I ever thought I knew. How he challenges me, and all of the fears and insecurities I have. I want to tell him that from that moment that he sat down to talk to me that night, I felt this pull... I felt drawn to him for an inexplicable reason. That since that night I haven't gone a day... hell, an hour... without thinking about him. I want to tell him that he's the only person in my life (with the exception of my best friend) who doesn't have any expectations of me... who tells me it's okay to be myself. And that that scares me because I think myself is not good enough. I've already told him that he makes me happy, but I want to keep telling him. I want to tell him to leave her. That she's hurt him and I haven't and that we should be happy together.
I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to put my hand on the back of his neck. To play with his hair. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. I wanted to kiss him.
But, I didn't. I didn't say any of those things. Because I know it's much more complicated than that. I didn't do any of those things. Because I know it wouldn't be right. Because I'm still scared. Of what, I don't know. Because I have nothing to lose by telling him these things. I know how he feels about me.
I can't keep doing this anymore. I have to stop being afraid, because he's worth it. Because if I don't say what I want to say or do what I want to do, then I possibly have him to lose. And I don't think I could deal with those thoughts of "what if?"
Friday, December 16, 2011
December 16, 2004.
They say that a lot can change in a year. You don't notice the little changes along the way, but then you look back and realize that everything has changed.
A lot can change in a year. Everything can change in seven.
Usually, around this time of year, no matter where I am, who I am, who I'm with, or what I'm going through, I start having those feelings again. It's just how it is, how it's always been. It's December. It's Christmas. It's our day. Today.
Not this time. Not anymore. I'm not letting the past control my feelings anymore. Things change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes.
Seven years. I don't regret a thing. Not a single, damn thing. And that's how I'm going to live my life. I'm going to live for today, and for the future. Not for December 16, 2004. Not for the memory of a love that we shared on a day that I will never get back.