Monday, December 15, 2008

What we give to the world.

Gosh, I haven't written in almost a month. Not like I really have a lot of time right now to sit and do this... but I've got a lot on my mind.

I've always wondered about what I give to the world. What I show. It's never been what I really am. And I'm not quite sure why...
I wonder if that's what makes us. Isn't perception reality? Then how can we say that we don't show the world who we really are...
Perhaps I have started giving the world my true self... Though I'm not quite sure when that happened. I can't think of anyone who I act differently towards though. I don't think I really care that much...
But is that what I'm trying to be? Someone who doesn't care? Maybe that's what's hiding everything else...
Which is another thing that I've never understood. Hiding your discontentment from someone you care about. If they hurt you, how are they supposed to know? How should they know that it mattered?
A sign of weakness.... or a scar from another....
But if you can tell someone that they aren't like any other to you, then you should not have to hide from them what you hide from any other...
That weakness is vulnerability... and only one person can really do damage.
Then why should fear exist? When we open our hearts, they are there unprotected. That person has the ability to break us... Fear builds walls. Walls that say, "I'm sorry I'm skeptical, but I've been hurt before..."
That is not true vulnerability...
So when we "know," why does it still hurt? Because we had been hoping against it...
And why should it linger? What is with memory of pain?
It's not an obsession... It's not an attempt to remember the feeling... It is the feeling. It's all of the pain, right there like it's happening. But it's only a memory... building up walls.

Maybe the best thing to do is just pretend like you know what you're doing. People fall for an air of confidence.
Maybe I can make myself fall for it as well.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Sometimes.. I should just not talk.

I have such a big, stupid, spontaneous, irrational mouth. I always always say stupid stuff when I'm in a bad mood.... So yeah, I don't know. I guess I'm just documenting that so I can look back on it and remind myself to shut up every now and then...

So, I was reading back through my posts, and about six posts ago was the line "there are four practices before our first show." And now it's over. Done. Never will I march with the Powhatan Marching Band again. In a show. Nor eat free concession food. Nor march down to the field. Smell the cool air of fall as I'm preping my mind for the show. I've never really loved fall or anything, but it's just so weird to think of. Winter's already here... yet just yesterday I was writing about the beginning of fall. I don't want winter to be gone like that...

On the bright side, our show... is sick.

Ahh... intriguing...

I guess you'll just have to come to one of our shows and see for yourself. ;)

Peace & <3

Friday, November 14, 2008

Pick Up the Phone...

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Saturday, November 1, 2008

Sometimes everything can say it better than I can...

Is it me? Or is it all of us?
Are we dull? Or glorious?
Am I on the way down or is this the same thing twice?
Oh, it feels so nice...
Is this real? Is this insanity?
Is this fate? Is it clarity?

Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone...

One day we'll get nostalgic for disaster.

To everything in life that has an end.
I hope you made the best of your time with the ones who mattered most
The ones who cared.

Memories that came and went,
In light of all the time we spent
Listening to everything our parents told us not to take in.

We can't hide, we let go.
We've got more than we know.
My friends are a different breed.
My friends are everything.
Make this last, take it slow.
We've got it all figured out for now.
So let us live our lives without a doubt.

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here?
If I were someone else would this all fall apart?

Everyone's got to face down the demons.
Maybe today, you could put the past away...

So now let's take it back to January.
An overflowing heart and empty wallet scene.
Some wheels and a guitar.
Yeah you think we're crazy.
Driving on the ways of the high and free.

Come on get higher, loosen my lips.
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard and drown me in love.

I can hear them whisper and it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me.

Do you know that every time you're near everybody else seems far away?
So, can you come and make them disappear. Make them disappear
And we can stay.

Why don't you step a little closer, closer and we'll show you how to make your heart beat.
Why don't you dance a little closer, closer.
I'll spin you around.
Your heels will never touch the ground.

Darkness settles in and I have want to dream. Soundscapes and lullabies deliver me.

Come hell or high water, when I'm feeling hot and wet.
I can't commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital.

Do you believe in the day that you were born?
And do you know that everyday's the first
Of the rest of your life?

The candy sweetness scent of you. It bathes my skin.
I'm stained by you.
And all i have to do is hold you. There's a racing within my heart.
And i am barely touching you.

Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall,
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night.
If you need to fall apart, I can mend your broken heart.
If you need to crash then crash and burn.
You're not alone.

He took the razor out of her hand & said, "Every cut to your wrist is a stab to my heart."

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings.
At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song.
Don't you leave me.

He said, "These lyrics are perfect. They're everything I've wanted to say to you:
-Beautiful, you know you leave me breathless when you fall into my eyes.
My heart belongs to you my angel. There is just no reason to let life bring you down.
Please come with me and let me show you.
I know that at times it may be hard to let go of yourself.
Baby girl, tonight leave your cares behind because it's time to celebrate!
All night long I'll sing and dance with you, my sweet princess, only if you trust in this.
Take my hand and follow me, I will sweep you off of your feet.
All night long I will sing and dance with you.
Every time I look at you I can't believe how magical you are.
The stars belong to you my angel.
Run away with me into a world where time seems not to exist.
The smile on my face will show you.
Take my hand and follow me, I will sweep you off of your feet.
This night will only end when we stop dancing."

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Things change when life's right there in front of you...

So, I was driving home tonight and Holden called me. I was on 60, and I always drive with one hand anyway, so I answered my phone. My mom started yelling at me to hang up, and I didn’t want to pull into my driveway while I was on the phone, so I told Holden I’d call him when I got home. I hung up. I’m on Judes Ferry Road at this point, so my mom said, “Turn on your brights.” I turn on my brights and within their range appear five deer in the road. I didn’t scream. I just hit the brakes. One turned around and came out into the road. I swear I got stopped no more than a few inches from it. My mom said she felt something hit us but I didn’t feel anything. I just wanted to sit there. To stay stopped. I wanted to get out of the car and walk. I wanted to be anywhere but in the driver’s seat right then.
I’ve driven slowly and carefully so many times before. Had my brights on the entire way down that road and into my neighborhood. And they were never there. But this time… This one time, when it was so close…
But the weirdest part is that in the moment I wasn’t scared. I knew that I’d stop before I hit it. Somehow I knew. But how could I have logically known that. It was just luck.
And what made me hang up the phone seconds before? What made my mom tell me at that point, when we had been on that road for a while to turn on my brights? If I hadn’t, I couldn’t have stopped in time. If I hadn’t hung up then, I would’ve wrecked, with Holden listening. So what made me do it?
And people say they can’t logically believe in God…

It’s not like I even got in a wreck, but it’s still a scary thing. I’m so overloaded right now. And I just want to be free. To be free like I am when I’m in the car with Holden, the bass so loud I can feel it in my soul, holding hands, joking, loving, living, and laughing uncontrollably for no good reason at all. And I can’t do that. I can’t even drive fast now with the music loud like I want to. Cause I never know what will be there…
My freedom is limited. Just when I was so close…
It scares me…

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

And just when I thought I knew it all...

Wow. I haven't written in three weeks?? It seems like so much shorter. But longer at the same time. These past three weeks have been the most painful, stressful, confusing, and enlightening weeks that I've had in a long time. I don't really want to go into gory details. Because all the bad stuff doesn't matter anymore.

But I will say what I took from this. And that is: I really don't ever stop learning about myself. I thought I knew. Thought I was completely sure who I was. But then I had another epiphany. So, there went that theory. Basically, I got forced into making myself happy. I thought I wasn't reliant on someone for my happiness, but apparently I still had some of that old me in me. I reached a point though, when asked, "How do I make you happy?," that I answered, "I don't need you to make me happy." I realized that that is true. Does Holden make me happier than I've ever been before? Yes. Would I feel like something was missing if I didn't have him in my life? Yes. But, should I completely shut down as a person when things are getting rough for us? No. I can make myself happy. I can have awesome times with my friends. I can be the person that I am, the person that Holden loves. Not try to be the person that I think that he wants me to be. That just makes us both annoyed and unhappy. I can be strong and uplifting when he needs me, just like he, by being loving and happy, makes me feel better when I'm having a rough time. And also, by being that, giving him what he needs, being myself and loving him through it all, I showed him what I have to give. My level of dedication. I didn't know that I could do that, until he told me one day how much he had seen of it.

Holden continues to show me things that I never knew, about the world, love, life, and myself. I never know what to expect, but it's always so much better than I could ever imagine. So, I honestly can't complain.

I want to take a sentence and say thank you to Becca. I appreciate her ability to be real with me, even when it was awkward or difficult. I can't trust a lot of people, but she showed me that she could be there for me. Love you Thing 2!

My sleeping schedule is so off. I love being a senior.
Night all. <3

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Well, in the spirit of optimism, I have pretty sweet psychic skills...

I always know. I always know when it's going to go down, and I usually know what's going to go down. Whenever something's about to blow up, I can feel it. It's insane really.

And for some reason I still don't believe it. I mean... I do... Because I'm so used to feeling like this. This was my life from December to June. But somehow I thought it was different this time. And I'm just so confused. Because yeah I knew what was coming, but now, I don't. No, not when it's important. And I don't even know what I can do. Because I don't even know how he feels. I'm just so... many things. Sick, scared, lost, hurt... all those cliche things that I didn't realize I was saying until after I said them. Really, that's exactly how I feel.

Communication is what I need. I need to know how he feels. Because what if he needs space, and I give it to him, and he decides that, since we're not that close anymore anyway, then we should just end it. But I didn't want to be apart from him. And then it's too late. But if I try to show him that I still care, I'll smother him. And I don't even know if I'm just wasting my time. I don't even know how he feels about me anymore...

And the irony is... I know this. I know this all. I've done this so many times. I know this about him, and I love him. He's my best friend, and I know that as long as I have him there when I fail or fall, it won't be half as bad. Even though he is this, does this.. whatever. I still love him. Despite that. I always have, and always will. Because being with him transcends all of this crap, all of the other crap, all of anything that I ever go through. I'd do it all to be with him. I just want to know that I can be. That if I'm going to go through this, that he will be there in the end. Because I want to give him what he needs... his time, my support, my love, and friendship. He works too hard, he stresses himself out. And I hate seeing someone so strong as him, someone that I look to for strength often, break down. I don't want to see that happen. I just wish that we could strengthen each other. That he, and I, didn't have to do it alone. That's how it was supposed to be...

Blah. I don't knowwww what this is. I'm just rambling. I just want to know what I did wrong. What I apparently changed. Why, when I get hurt, he gets mad because I'm upset. Somehow I find this a legit thing to be upset about, but apparently I'm just being a dramatic bitch.

As usual right...
Well, I mean, according to the student body.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I think I've seen that tree before...

Seriously. I'm not just having deja vu. Do I really have a problem of for some reason needing to fall back into this old routine? And why would I want to fall in a routine that would hurt so bad? Is it me that's changing? Because it doesn't feel like it... I'm not changing my views. Or have I changed to be what someone else wanted, and now that they've changed their mind, I'm no longer what they want me to be? Am I not enough to help make another person's life okay? Like they can me okay when I'm having problems? Why can't they come to me? Why do they have to do it all alone? Can't they trust me? I am their best friend right? Or is someone else? Am I missing something? Or am I being lied to? Maybe they've just changed their mind again, and they don't love me anymore? Am I really seeing them look at me differently, talk to me differently, act differently around me, and touch me differently?

Or maybe I'm just over-reacting about it all...

I sit here again as you make up your mind, love
Just take our sweet time
That we have now to be
Just You and Just Me.
Let's be free of these things
That have stood in our way love,
We're finally here,
And we're lost and we're scared,
But it's us, love, together
For the first time in years
You said, "Don't let this go, girl I won't let this die."
Babe, I know we can take on the world,
You and I,
Maybe not by ourselves.
I know I can't on my own.
And I know that you're strong, but
Love, you're not alone
Anymore. We have demons,
And habits,
And pasts,
And I'm not saying it's easy,
But I'll promise to try
To be who I am,
And I'll do what I do,
And that's not going to change, love,
I promise, this time,
I am what you need.
Baby, don't change your mind.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So, what does it feel like to be seventeen?

The same. And how does it feel to be a senior? The same. Except more stressed out. I should be studying more, sleeping more, on the computer less. I should be applying to colleges, taking my SATs, writing scholarship essays. But I'm not. We always had so much time. And now it's here. I'm going to fail massively.

Hmm... so it looks like this post is going to become a conglomerate of a bunch of different thoughts. But hey, what is this blog for? It's really cool, finally being older, to be the one who someone else looks up to. I know I had that person, that role model, who, whether they always did the right thing or not, did give me some important things that have made me who I am today. I know that I could not be more thankful for some of the things Erin Jackson gave me. My level of performance and dedication, my leadership skills, my sabre technique, and my captain binder... just to name a few. I know what it's like to have someone to look up to, to strive to be more like, who makes you push yourself to try harder and be better. And I've always hoped that I could be that to someone else. And now that maybe I am, I feel so... worried?... that I'll lead the wrong way or confused?... that I would even be looked up to. But nonetheless, it's cool to be that for another person. To be someone who won't stab them in the back, who can help them through all the drama and bullshit, and provide a mellow, experienced perspective on the drama of life. And I know I couldn't do it without those (or the person) who influenced me. So, yes, I must thank Erin, for being that friend and role model to me. And Morgan, for being the one who looks up to me and trusts me.

Ummm, chemistry is making my mind explode. I love chemistry. But I need a break. And that fact makes me want to cry.

We have five more practices before we compete in our first show. There is noooo wayyy we're going to be ready. And after that, it's all going to go so fast. I'm ready for winter. But I'm not ready for it all to fly by.

And as for the accident that we had at practice a few weeks ago... I have so much to say, and yet can't find the words to express the feelings that went through me that day. Shock, despair, comfort, and one of the bigger realizations of my life. I've not been the religious type really, and technically, I'm still not. But, not liking my religion was kind of an excuse for not really being sure if I believed in God or not. I still don't agree with organized religion really, but I know that I believe in God. That He could take such a desperate and terrible situation, and bring a group of people together, in His name; people who dislike each other, believe different things, feel different things; it was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed, and at that point I knew that there is something more than us. We are not in control. He gives us the choice. But, at times like those, He will take us and get us through whatever it is that we're facing. My prayers are with Neil and his family, and I thank God that it wasn't as bad as it could've been. We all love Neil and need him very much. Especially the drumline. My heart goes out to them too...

So, I guess that's it for my random thoughts.
paz y amor.

And thanks to all of my friends who made my birthday freaking SWEETTTT!!! =)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Summer assessment(s)

There's always that one day when you're looking through your really old pictures and you see one of you from a few years before and almost have a heart attack because you look so different. Looking at yourself in the mirror everyday, you don't see that much of a change. Or, in the case of Gregor Samsa in Metamorphosis (thank you AP English), you wake up as a giant insect. And at that point, I think I would be stepping back to assess how exactly I had gotten to this place.
Well, this is me waking up and realizing I'm a bug. Figuratively.

Over the summer, I learned a lot of things. I learned that you don't really always love someone, like, love love. Of course they're always a part of your past, but there's a moment when you're looking into someone's eyes, remembering what it was like with them, and you realize that it doesn't sting. You don't long. You simply appreciate it, and them. And you feel yourself shift into a new phase.
I learned what it's like to be around people that I have not grown up with. People who know nothing about me. It's intriguing to find that the things that were said to me, that my friends say to me all the time, become offensive coming from a stranger's mouth. Because they don't know that it's not true. They don't know of my perfectionism. They don't know of my school life, or home life. It's an entire realm that I am completely unfamiliar with.
I learned who I am. In a way that I did not expect. It wasn't when I broke away from my depression at the beginning of the summer that I discovered who I was. It wasn't when I lived for myself and did what I wanted to do. It was when I began to fall back into my old habit of becoming what others want or expect me (or anyone really) to be. Why should I act a certain way for someone (because that's the type of person that they're into), when I could just find someone's who is into my type. Sounds cliche, and yeah I should know this, but it takes a few hard experiences for someone to really understand the depth of that statement. In the realization that one is changing for someone else, and that all in all, that can never make a person eternally satisfied, that person can understand, defend, and become who they really are. I myself was simply lucky enough to find someone who loves me for who I am, and I wasn't even trying. No being his idea of me. Just being me, showing him what I really was, flaws and all.

And some final thoughts, on guard and other things that dominate most of my thoughts:
Katie made a comment to me about being worried about the guard next year. I told her that we worry because we know that we cannot control it in any way. The only control that we have over next year's guard is what we leave behind now. If it is good, they will use it. If it is not, they will do it a different way, their way, but not necessarily the right way. It's the difference between being a captain, and a great captain. How long will our legacies last? Will we drive others to be better like those before us drove, greatly drove, us? Truly impressive accomplishment isn't what you can do when you're present. It's what you can continue to do after you're gone.
How inspiring and insightful. I think I'll leave it at that.

Peace and <3.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Caution: Not suitable for children...

Sixteen years of age.

Once one reaches eighteen, they are considered an adult. Ever stopped to think about that one? Age is simply a number. And because studies have proven that the majority of the uneducated, misled, and misfit society cannot handle "adult" things until the age of eighteen, the rest of the world has taken to condemning the underaged, using their years as a prison, keeping them from what they are allowed to experience.

Well, hypocrites of the world, think about it this way. A child of six or seven watches his/her parents physically fighting. Or, a child sees his/her father in a drunken rage, or his/her mother stay at home all day, unable to be effective in the world. Think about the child of divorce. You can send the child to therapy and try to make them understand that it's not the child's fault that mommy and daddy split up. Really. You think your child is dumb enough to think that? No no, oh wise parents, it's not the divorce that tears your kid up. It's the loss of both parents that slowly wears on the child who, oblivious to the deterioration, goes on like life is supposed to be that way. Really, it's any kid who has had their parents taken, by divorce, death, drugs, or simple abandonment. A child has to face the trials of growing up - middle, junior high, and high school. Whether they have the support they need or not. What does one do in a situation of great desperation? Give in, or do it oneself, whether it's the "right way" or not.

We are not weak. We are stubborn. And we do not give up.

Eight, nine, ten years down the road, you parents wish to control us. You say to us, "You are not an adult, I still control you. You are still my child." I'm sorry? Did you say child? Do you know what we were like as children? As teens? Did you bring us through the hard times? Can you really know what's best for us when you don't even know us as people? Hmm...

Tell us.
Where does childhood end and adulthood start? Agreed, it should be eighteen. No one should have to deal with shit like that until at least that age. But where has it been...?

And you want to tell us that we're not capable of experiencing these things. Feeling these things. That we can't handle ourselves and our emotions.

No. We refuse to accept all of the pain and none of the reward. If you wanted to treat us like children, then you should've been there when we were.

But, we must say thank you. Thank you for trusting us with the task of shaping ourselves as people. Because now, we know who we are. We are us. We are not clones of you; we are not who you want us to be. We love who we are. We love each other. And we love our lives.
We can be what you never were.

We live in the moment.
We love every minute.
We are the future.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Sun = Bad

So, I've been doing this whole band camp for what, four years now? You'd think that I'd have the whole routine down. Yeah, well apparently not.

It started out at the beginning of the week with a pretty normal, mild-ish sunburn. Then the next day got worse. My face got burned so badly that it hurts to brush my hair (don't ask how that works), and I got the most ridiculous tan lines I had ever seen (pick necklace, ponytail, bangs, etc.)

Then today, well, actually it started yesterday, but today my eyes got severely bloodshot. More than they had been for the past few days. Eventually it got to the point that I couldn't open my right eye and I had to take my contacts out. It hurt whenever I was in bright light, so when I got home, I googled "eye problems related to sun exposure." The result that I got was a site telling me the following:
Eye pain or vision problems after being in the sun can be serious.
Symptoms of vision problems from sun exposure may include:
Partial or complete vision loss.
Burning pain.
A feeling that something is in your eye (foreign body sensation).
Decreased vision.
The eyes are very sensitive to sunlight. Sunburning your eyes can cause damage to the light-sensitive membrane that covers the inside of the eyeball (retina) or damage to the lens (which can eventually cause cataracts).
You might also have pain, more tearing, and a gritty feeling in your eyes if they have been sunburned. These symptoms usually begin several hours after being in the sun. If these symptoms do not go away, an evaluation by a health professional is needed.

Wonder-freaking-ful. My eyes are sunburned.

So, future advice for any marching band people, or anyone in a sport or outside job, whatever... wear sunglasses. Cause it hurts, for serious.

Peace & <3.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Those important to me.

At this point, I want to take some time to talk about the most important thing in my life. The relationship that I have with my friends is something so outstanding that I cannot even comprehend it. It's something that you just feel, and God help you if you ever try to consider the reasons why.

Amy - my best friend. For someone who I've only known for five years (pah! only...), this is a person who is like a sister to me. Same brain? Yeah, I think so. This is to all of those moments, when we think the same thoughts, and don't even have to say anything, when we say the same things and just bust out laughing because of it, when the most random things happen, that we just accept as normal though it is usually far from it. Two people who can not talk for a whole month, and then make up and have it feel like that void of time never existed. Yeah, envy that.

Mike - a person who has helped me figure out a lot of things about life. Seeing life from my perspective, however enlightening it may be, is so restrictive compared to being able to share my ideas and have them taken as something legit, and then being able to hear someone else's point of view. He and I are two people who, though maybe quite the same, take completely different roads to get there, but are able and willing to learn all about the other way. And I greatly appreciate everything I have gained from him.

Travis - So, if you know me (probably do, if you're reading this), you may think we hate each other, or we fight, or may even be surprised that he could be on my list of most important people ever. Hmm, well let's be mature people. Seriously, spending three years of your life with someone, you're going to take something from them, and in my case, I like to take something good from every situation. I think we've come to a point where we can both accept the reasons why we've both been such jerks to each other, and also realize the ways that we've changed. I don't agree with a lot of what Travis says =P but I respect him highly, and regard him as a wonderful person and very good and important friend.

Last, but in no way, (seriously... no way) least.
My best friend. My love. And yeah, my boyfriend. =)
Holden - Also, if you know me, you could be thinking, "really? again?" Yeah, well you can shut it. Imagine having someone that you can tell anything, but don't really have to because they already know everything about you. Someone that you've always been able to talk to, from the first day you met them. A person who understands, even if you have this weird awkward way of explaining things so that no one understands. A best friend, someone you just hang with and have a good time. Someone who can see what you give to the world, and then see past that to what you don't give to the world, and call you out on it, but not in a criticising way, in a respecting and loving and accepting way. And then imagine being completely and totally in love with that person. And them, them being completely in love with you. With everything that you don't want to show. They love it. Imagine that? Yeah, it's awesome and it's something I can't even comprehend. I know, I know, "high school is not the place for deep and lasting relationships." Except, I don't really believe that. I enjoy the fact that there would be someone that would want to know everything about me. That would want to experience everything with me. I just couldn't be with someone who hasn't been there with me, who I can't really be sure if I know everything about. What could be better than being with someone who has been there with you always, through most of the years of your life, laughing and loving and living with you. Nothing? Oh yeah, that's what I thought. This isn't a stage where I'm in high school mode anymore. Soon, I will be planning and shaping my life. So, all of you who want to down on high school relationships, go ahead because I don't consider this one. This is something completely different than I've known. I've known the happiness of being with him, but the complete realization that this isn't going away this time just hasn't set in yet. That's a realization that I have anew every single morning, and I wake up excited about life and the future every day. And it's wonderful.

So, now that I've rambled about how grossly in love I am (which I'm sure you're all completely eager to hear about, ha!) I just want to say that I love all of my friends, and I wanted to do this, to put this out there, because even if we don't stay in touch too much after school, these people, these few people have shaped my life in ways you could never even imagine. I would not be as outgoing, imaginative, or probably as sane as I am now if it weren't for them. Friendship is truly a love like no other, and the nights, the parties, the long talks, the laughs and tears, that is what makes up my life, my happiness. My family. I love you all.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

How band camp and life goes, at the moment...

Ah so I have not written in a few days. Hmm, I guess I'll just start with guard and band camp then. So, the guard has had a total of four practices since I last posted. And I must say, I did not realize how much I loved and missed my guard until I went to practice. I remembered why it is that I love what I do so much. These girls (and two guys) are people from all different social circles. Completely different people that never would have talked to each other outside of this program. And they come to be your family. It's just amazing, something that I can't explain. And, learning sabre work today and yesterday at band camp, I remembered the feeling of performance. Just being able to have fun and make faces, and make people laugh while doing it. I love being out there on the field, and hearing the crowd and knowing that the cheering that they're doing, the happiness they're experiencing, you took part in giving them. It's the most amazing feeling ever. Our show this year is going to be awesome, and I couldn't be more excited that my senior year will be spent marching this show.

And on the social life side of things... it's interesting. Quite interesting. I think I've had more surprising things happen to me (good and bad) in the past four days than I've had happen in the past six months. But I enjoy it. I enjoy just living, without expectations. That way you're never let down, and you're always surprised. It keeps life interesting and fun. Anyway, I have a feeling that sometime soon there will be some interesting relationship details. :) Ah, I am excited for what the rest of my life has to offer.

"Regardless of warning, the future doesn't scare me at all."

Yeah. Thank you Simple and Clean. :)
Peace all. <3

Friday, August 1, 2008

Summer's end...

So, today marks the effective end of summer for me. Though we don't go back to school until the first of September, guard practice starts today and lasts all of August. That's right, our practice starts even before band camp, cause we're hardcore. I've had lots of things on my mind lately, but none of those things are complete enough ideas to be able to write or make sense of. But something that I noticed yesterday got me thinking, and it kinda relates to this whole summer ending thing.
My dad listens to Rush Limbaugh on 1140, and this week he will have been on the radio for twenty years. Now, I can remember as a kid my dad always listening to Rush, and, of course as a small child I thought, "well, he must have been listening to him for years." It's interesting that at that time, he had only been on the radio for three years or so. That made me realize that, rounding up of course, I am almost twenty years old. I have friends that will be twenty and twenty-one. I'm closer to the two decade mark than the one decade mark. And that's strange to me. Time is a very weird thing. That back in eighth grade, when my friends and I thought we had all of the answers, we were barely thirteen. Thirteen!! And we thought we knew about love and life and everything. Now, at sixteen, I feel like I'm so much older, but sixteen sounds like such a small number. Hell, seventeen even does. It's so intriguing how all of those memories can seem so far, and so close. It was just yesterday, but we were so young. And now, my summer's over, but we just got out of school about a month ago. And yet, it's felt like forever getting here. Of course, maybe I'm getting in over my head trying to comprehend time, but you know, it's what I think about.

Well, anyway, in other news my life has been pretty routine, but good. My best friend Amy, who I was in a massive silent fight with, and I finally worked it out. By just talking again like nothing had ever been wrong. Yeah, best friends can do that. And, my dad and I went to see a movie last night, and we went to see Foreigner at Innsbrook the night before (yeah, be jealous. It rocked). We're actually getting to do stuff together again, like we used to when I was a kid. It sucks that there's not much time left for all of that, but better late than never I suppose. And other than that, it's just being myself, trying to figure things out with my friends, trying not to worry, and waiting for all of the fun stuff to start up again. And now, I must be off to prepare for my guard practice. :) Peace.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Time heals all wounds?

So, I was talking to a friend today, with whom I happen to have a very colorful past. Talking about regrets I've realized what regrets really are to me, and what blame is. I've only ever regretted two things in my life. And yeah yeah I know, live without regrets because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Except, these things weren't what I wanted. In both situations, I tried to manipulate someone into acting a certain way. Like throwing a temper tantrum to get your parents to give you what you want. The thing is, in these situations, he did not react the way I expected. And I realized that I had messed up.

The common phrase is "time heals all wounds." I for one, do not believe that. Healed wounds leave scars. And yes, while you cannot currently feel the pain anymore, you can remember how it felt. I do believe though, that time heals all regrets. Someone going through a rough patch might hate to hear "if it's meant to happen it will," and yes I know from experience, but eventually, when things get better you realize that it's true. If some things hadn't gone wrong, you wouldn't be in that exact place at the right time that day that something amazing happens to you. So, do I have any regrets? The answer is no. But I can accept that I have had.

I've also realized that I've been blaming myself for things that, really, I could not control. It hit me when he said "I regret blah-de-blah" and I said "but I made you do that." He said no, you gave me a choice, and I chose. All those things, wasted chances, failed starts, that I had been blaming myself for, I now realize aren't my fault. And I'm not saying that they're his either. He chose what would make him happy. And I never expect that someone else should chose a path simply because it's what I want them to do. Everyone should chose the path best for them. So, whereas I am not without blame, and I am not wonderfully merciful all the time either, I have found out where the blame should fall, and when it should as well.

And now that I've blathered on for three paragraphs...

Today my dad and I started moving my stepmother's and stepsister's stuff out of our storage room to theirs. Why were we moving their stuff? Yeah that's what I want to know too. Anyway, the most eventful part of that was that we found two black widows in our storage space (GAH!! I have arachnophobia...), and a HUGE ASS BEETLE. Yes, an assbeetle. Oh goodness, so I wanted to take a picture of it, but I fail so instead, I shall just post a picture of a huge assmoth from my conversation with Mike last night.

And with that, I bid you all adieu. :)


Monday, July 28, 2008

A little about me and my ideals to get this thingy thing started...

so i guess i should start off with why i wanted to start blogging in the first place. i've never understood the whole thing of just talking about your life, cause i never think that anyone would want to read about the sometimes dull events of my days. so no, i'm not doing this to talk about myself, or even to share my philosophies with the world and try to inspire others. i've reached a crossroads in my life, a big one, and it's time that i took a step back and evaluated things. i know which path feels perfectly right, but there are many things telling me that that path may not work out. the best way for me to think is by writing; i am a visual learner. :)
so here it goes...

The basics: I'm Chelsea Laine. I'm a senior. I am a perfectionist, and I haven't figured out if that's good or bad yet. I have the best friends in the world, and have had for six years now. I love to laugh, and I love to learn. If you've been around me at school or something, you may think that you know me, but I can assure you that you don't. Even some of my closest friends don't. That's not to say that I don't trust people. People just don't always understand why I do some of the things that I do. So even if I tried to make them understand, they wouldn't. And people judge. I do have... skeletons in my closet, if you will. Except they're not really in the closet. They're not haunting me. They more like... live in my room, not hanging over me, but beside me, encouraging me to grow. They're friendly skeletons. Like if Casper were a bone structure instead of a soul. Yeah, anyway the point of all of this is that no matter what gets said about me, or what I have done, I take it in stride and learn from my mistakes. What else can I do? The past is past. Use it to get better. (So maybe that can be taken as inspirational words to help others but hey, I'm just trying to organize myself. I am a perfectionist. I like order.)

Sooo, that's my major belief, in a nutshell, partnered with openmindedness and loyalty. Seeing as I'm just getting started with all of this, that's all I can think of to say, but no worries (if you are actually interested in this), I'm sure I shall have more enlightening ideas soon.