Wednesday, October 15, 2008

And just when I thought I knew it all...

Wow. I haven't written in three weeks?? It seems like so much shorter. But longer at the same time. These past three weeks have been the most painful, stressful, confusing, and enlightening weeks that I've had in a long time. I don't really want to go into gory details. Because all the bad stuff doesn't matter anymore.

But I will say what I took from this. And that is: I really don't ever stop learning about myself. I thought I knew. Thought I was completely sure who I was. But then I had another epiphany. So, there went that theory. Basically, I got forced into making myself happy. I thought I wasn't reliant on someone for my happiness, but apparently I still had some of that old me in me. I reached a point though, when asked, "How do I make you happy?," that I answered, "I don't need you to make me happy." I realized that that is true. Does Holden make me happier than I've ever been before? Yes. Would I feel like something was missing if I didn't have him in my life? Yes. But, should I completely shut down as a person when things are getting rough for us? No. I can make myself happy. I can have awesome times with my friends. I can be the person that I am, the person that Holden loves. Not try to be the person that I think that he wants me to be. That just makes us both annoyed and unhappy. I can be strong and uplifting when he needs me, just like he, by being loving and happy, makes me feel better when I'm having a rough time. And also, by being that, giving him what he needs, being myself and loving him through it all, I showed him what I have to give. My level of dedication. I didn't know that I could do that, until he told me one day how much he had seen of it.

Holden continues to show me things that I never knew, about the world, love, life, and myself. I never know what to expect, but it's always so much better than I could ever imagine. So, I honestly can't complain.

I want to take a sentence and say thank you to Becca. I appreciate her ability to be real with me, even when it was awkward or difficult. I can't trust a lot of people, but she showed me that she could be there for me. Love you Thing 2!

My sleeping schedule is so off. I love being a senior.
Night all. <3

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