Thursday, December 29, 2011

The moment the doubt beings to creep in.

Endless questions, constantly plaguing my mind...

Does he feel the same way about me? Am I falling too hard, too fast? What exactly does he want out of this? What is this about for him? Am I as incredible to him as he is to me? Are actual feelings there, or is it just an attraction? Do I come off as desperate, or silly, or needy? Will he be disappointed if we take thing slow, or am I worth that?

I know where fear gets me, and I know where courage gets me. So, why am I still afraid? When he's proven to me that I don't have to be?

That's just me I guess. Always worrying... Always over thinking.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The moment you have to face the truth.

He says I'm scared. And he's completely right. I am scared, of everything. I do worry, all the time.

I'm scared of looking foolish. I'm scared of not getting the reaction that I want. I'm scared of being disappointed, yet again.

I'm scared to say the things that I long to say. The things that run through my head, all day, every day, that I want to tell him so badly.

Like how he challenges everything I ever thought I knew. How he challenges me, and all of the fears and insecurities I have. I want to tell him that from that moment that he sat down to talk to me that night, I felt this pull... I felt drawn to him for an inexplicable reason. That since that night I haven't gone a day... hell, an hour... without thinking about him. I want to tell him that he's the only person in my life (with the exception of my best friend) who doesn't have any expectations of me... who tells me it's okay to be myself. And that that scares me because I think myself is not good enough. I've already told him that he makes me happy, but I want to keep telling him. I want to tell him to leave her. That she's hurt him and I haven't and that we should be happy together.

I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to put my hand on the back of his neck. To play with his hair. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. I wanted to kiss him.

But, I didn't. I didn't say any of those things. Because I know it's much more complicated than that. I didn't do any of those things. Because I know it wouldn't be right. Because I'm still scared. Of what, I don't know. Because I have nothing to lose by telling him these things. I know how he feels about me.

I can't keep doing this anymore. I have to stop being afraid, because he's worth it. Because if I don't say what I want to say or do what I want to do, then I possibly have him to lose. And I don't think I could deal with those thoughts of "what if?"

Friday, December 16, 2011

A moment to look back.

December 16, 2004.

They say that a lot can change in a year. You don't notice the little changes along the way, but then you look back and realize that everything has changed.

A lot can change in a year. Everything can change in seven.

Usually, around this time of year, no matter where I am, who I am, who I'm with, or what I'm going through, I start having those feelings again. It's just how it is, how it's always been. It's December. It's Christmas. It's our day. Today.

Not this time. Not anymore. I'm not letting the past control my feelings anymore. Things change. Feelings change. People change. Everything changes.

Seven years. I don't regret a thing. Not a single, damn thing. And that's how I'm going to live my life. I'm going to live for today, and for the future. Not for December 16, 2004. Not for the memory of a love that we shared on a day that I will never get back.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The moment you just get fed up.

I'm sick and tired of keeping up this image. I just want to break and have that be okay.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The moment my life gets turned upside down...

I know this is what we need. I know we would not make it in the long run without this. I know that this is what has to happen, because I myself am confused about my emotions... because I don't even think I know myself.

It's just so weird not saying "I love you." Not kissing him goodnight. Not knowing that I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life. It's so weird how nothing has really changed, but at the same time everything has changed. It's still early in this whole process... I just don't really know how to act at any given moment when he's here or we're hanging out. I know that things will work out however they're supposed to in the end... I'm putting 100% faith in Him to guide me to the next step in my life. A lot of things are changing right now and I think, more than anything, I'm just scared. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of losing him. But most of all, as always, I'm scared of making a mistake.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The moment I could use somebody.

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.
You know that I could use somebody,

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak.
Countless lovers under cover of the street.
You know that I could use somebody,
Someone like you.

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep,
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat.
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Hate (n.):

1. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
2. expressing or arousing feelings of hatred; hate mail.
Accepted Truth #1: Most of the time, it takes more energy to hate someone than to love someone.
Accepted Truth #2: Hate is almost always deeply rooted in feelings of jealousy and resentment.

So, keep wasting all of your energy on hating me, and I'll continue focusing my energy and spending my time on bettering myself and my life.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The moment you need to be reminded.

Do you remember how it used to be?
We'd turn out the lights and we didn't just sleep.
Remind me, baby, remind me.
Oh, so on fire so in love,
That look in your eyes that I miss so much.
Remind me, baby, remind me.

Do you remember the way it felt?
You mean back when we couldn't control ourselves?
Remind me,
Yeah, remind me.
All those things that you used to do
That made me fall in love with you.
Remind me, oh, baby, remind me.

I wanna feel that way,
Yeah, I wanna hold you close.
Oh, if you still love me,
Don't just assume I know.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Golden Rule (n.):

1. a rule of ethical conduct, usually phrased, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," or, as in the Sermon on the Mount, "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so unto them." Matt 7:12, Luke 6:31
Be kind to everyone, don't be quick to judge, and don't assume anything about anyone's situation. There is no way for us to know what the lives of the strangers standing next to us on the street have been like that day. We never know if the bank teller, barista, or customer service representative that we are giving a hard time has reached their breaking point. We never know whether our insults (however concealed or little that they may be) will be that one thing that pushes that person over the edge. You never know if the person serving you your dinner has had a bad night... if they've been shorted cash by their previous tables, if they've dealt with rude customers all day, if they are fighting to make rent, if someone close to them has just died. Never just assume that the look of sadness or frustration in their eyes is a part of their character, and not just their circumstances. We need to stop being so offended; stop taking everything so personally. We need to stop approaching this life with the thought "how can I get more for less?" and instead approach it with the question "what can I do to help someone out today?" We just need to slow down, and take a minute to notice a small detail of someone else's life, and maybe, just maybe, completely turn their day around.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The moment you reach a turning point.

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age;
The ending of an era, and the turning of a page.
Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here.
Lord, have mercy on my next twenty years.

In my next twenty years, I'm gonna have some fun,
Try to forget about all the crazy things I've done.
Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears,
And I'll do it better in my next twenty years.

In my next twenty years I'm gonna settle all the scores,
Cry a little less, laugh a little more,
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear,
Figure out just what I'm doing here,
In my next twenty years.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The moment that you get a fresh start.

Here's to a new year. A new apartment. A new job. A new crowd. A new routine.
To a new outlook. A new attitude.

Here's to a new me.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Those moments that used to be my entire life...

...that have now simply faded to black.
Every memory of guard. All of the times that I laughed until I cried. The friends that I had back in middle and high school and all of the times that I felt so very connected to these people that understood and were always there for me. Every crush, every ex, every shared insight or new revelation about the world.

And what has it all become now? Bitter memories of best friends who betrayed me. Thoughts of all of the time wasted on certain people. The ever haunting guilt of breaking a friend's heart. Reminiscences, shadows, of the best times of my life. Like a silent movie flickering in front of my eyes. Scars. That you can't feel, but can still see. Still vaguely remember how it felt.

I used to cling so tightly to these things, these moments. Because why not? It was the happiest I'd ever been. But what happens when those people and those situations go away? The happiness is no longer there. What remains is a bittersweet taste. I can remember the laughter, and not feel it. So, what are we to do? We are always told to live in the moment, to make it the best that it can be. But is our life simply a series of moments that will eventually evolve into unpleasant and painful remembrances? Or do we try to find something that will never fade away? All of us try; it's human nature. We all seek the "best friends forever" and the "true loves". And how many of us are still acquainted with the first BFF we ever had? How many times do we have to get it wrong before we're ensured a life of joy and stability? I'm really not trying to sound pessimistic here, but I've been stabbed in the back, and lost those so close to me that I considered them family, enough times to really wonder, what is the point? Why do we put so much effort into our social relationships, only to have them be so short-lived? Is there any relationship that is truly immune to time? How do we know that we're not wasting our time, that these people whom we love so much might be gone from our lives in one, two, five years time?

I guess that's just the true test of love. Being willing to invest so much time, putting so much emotional stock into a relationship, without ever being able to be certain if it will last. It's a risk we have to take. As much as it stings to have happy memories of bad friends, life would be much darker if one had no happy memories of any friends, at all.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The moment life walks right up to you and smacks you in the face.

In approximately 8 months and 18 days, I will officially be a VCU alumnus. I will have a Bachelor's Degree. I will have graduated, from college.

This realization, to be honest, scares the living shit out of me. I'm not old enough to have a college degree. When did this happen? Where did the past few years of my life go? In my head, I'm still only 17, newly graduated from high school and still trying to figure this whole college, job, life thing out. I feel like an impostor, like I shouldn't have come this far yet.

And while it's scary as hell, I guess it's a little bit exciting, too. I've worked hard to get this far and hopefully this will open up a whole new world of opportunities for me. It's terrifying and stressful, having to think of GREs and grad school applications and full-time jobs and... the future. The real-live, grown-up world future. But if I really think about it, I realize that if I just have a little faith in myself, I can get myself to where I want to be. Looking back at the past few years, I see that I have come a very long way in a very short amount of time and that I have matured a great deal since I graduated. And I realize now that there's no use in being scared or worried, or just sitting around wondering how I'm going to make it work. The only way to get anywhere is to just put yourself out there and make your life what you want it to be. Because no one else knows what you want or what you need, and they surely aren't just going to walk up to you and hand it to you. You have to work for it. Take it. Earn it. Create your life, not just live it. And I think that is what this last year is going to help me to do. This is my turning point. This is the doorway that will open up to the long road that is the rest of my life. And I think, I hope, that maybe I'm finally ready to face it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The moment you find out what "really" matters.

Experience, qualifications, and education, in reality, mean nothing. All that matters is who you know. How many connections do you have? Because without them, you can't get anywhere fast in this world. Top of the class, years of experience, and the ability to learn anything quickly and work your ass off trying to be successful... doesn't matter. It's all about talking to the right people. Knowing the right people. And it's one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The moment you slow down and take a look around you... can meet some really amazing people.
In the simplest of places. Like, at a yard sale. If you just take the time to stop and listen... to have a conversation... you'll realize that there are some really great people out there. It makes me think that maybe we should all just slow down a bit and look at what's around us, instead of just running here and there, stereotyping people and making assumptions. Maybe it would change our outlook. Maybe it would make the world a better place.

Friday, August 5, 2011

To worry (v.):

1. to torment with cares, anxiety, etc.; trouble; plague.
2. to be or cause to be anxious or uneasy.
3. to disturb the peace of mind; bother.
I can worry until my hair turns grey. But where will that get me, really? I can worry about money, about finding a job... worry so much that it keeps me up at night. What will it do though? When I've done all I can do, when I've applied to all the jobs I can and am as qualified as I'm going to be without getting some more experience, what good is worrying? There's no space on the application for me to answer: "How much time have you spent worrying about getting this job? How much do you have invested in this?" If there was, well, I guess I'd be better off. But there's not, so all I can do is trust that I've done my part, and what is to come will come if that's the way it's supposed to be.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Pessimism (n.):

1. the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc.
2. the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil.
3. the belief that the evil and pain in the world are not compensated for by goodness and happiness.
You may be the kindest, most caring, giving, and loving person in the world, but pessimism will kill all of that. It kills the conversation, it makes everyone else feel guilty and uncomfortable, and most of all, it's detrimental to your health. Maybe it takes me seeing it from an outside perspective. Maybe it takes me realizing that my mother's pessimism makes me not enjoy spending time with her, even though I love her so dearly, and I know she is a good person, for me to know that I never ever want to be like that. A painful lesson, because even if I make myself better, I still wish I could help her make herself happier.

Friday, July 29, 2011

The moment I say, "I wish I...

...had that girl's hair... could dress like that... could lose 5 pounds..." and I just get the eye roll and a condescending glare.
My friends always tell me, "what I love about you is that you easily could have been one of those preppy, popular girls, but you're not." I could've had the perfectly tanned skin, the perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect everything... but I don't. Because I can't. And before I get too far into this, I'll say this... I know, I know. Some people would give anything to look like I do, to have the body that I have. I know that I'm really not that bad looking, that I could look a lot worse. But for some reason I still look at myself and see someone who needs to be skinnier. I see ratty old clothes and hair that won't ever look right. I see a high school kid instead of a 20-year old nearly graduated college student. And it makes me feel so selfish because I know that I shouldn't be complaining. But I just can't help but think, well if I could look like that, then why don't I? It makes me feel so stupid because I've never been the one to subscribe to society's rules about how girls should look and what kind of clothes they should wear. I wouldn't trade lives with those girls for anything, and I know that they are all fake and shallow and empty. But at the same time there's still this underlying desire within me to be the kind of girl that turns heads. It's so frustrating to know what I want, and to know that (apparently) I could get what I want, but that I just don't know how... that I just don't have the money... that I just don't have the time. Maybe I'm shallow. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I'm being selfish and complaining. But pretty people can be self-conscious, too. Skinny people can have body image issues, too. And that's something that not a lot of people can understand. It's not the most important thing in life, and that's why I'm still the way I am... because I have other priorities. But it's always there. An itch in the back of my mind. And it's irritating and it's even more irritating that something so small and stupid bothers me so much.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

When I finally get a moment to breathe.

I thought the summer was going to bring with it months of relaxation in the sun, time with my friends, and the break that I needed before going back to school. Instead it brought more unexpected and terrible surprises than I would want to experience in a year, much less a month. I have been going non-stop for the past month and a half. I've been taking care of my mom, my dad, working three jobs, and moving, all since June 14. And it's all finally slowing down now. One of my jobs went out of business, the other ended for the summer, and I'm all moved in. And while it's nice that things have started to calm down a little, I almost feel lost. I have no idea what to do with my days besides look for more jobs, which I desperately need to find. It's a catch-22. I can't enjoy my summer without money, but I can't enjoy my summer if I'm working either. I'm just caught in this web of worry and fear and not knowing how to find the right balance. I'm stuck here with the lifestyle that I know I want just out of my reach, and I don't know what more I can do to get there. I just wonder if it's me that's doing something wrong, or if the cards really are just stacked against me.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The moment that I find a sense of closure.

Today was the first time that I've ever been to a funeral/memorial service when the sun was shining. And I know that's not a coincidence. It was just his way of letting us know that his pain has ended... that he's smiling down on us... that there's nothing to be afraid of. That we should celebrate the life that he had because, Lord knows, there was plenty to celebrate. Most of all, it tells me that he has finally found peace. And that's the most comforting thing that I've felt in the past four days.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The moment that you just can't find the right words.

I want my cousins to know that I love them. I want to be able to talk to them. But, I know that there's nothing I can say that will make it better. Shit, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what to think to myself that will make it better. I felt so useless today. All I could give was a hug, when I wanted to be able to do so much more. I just couldn't find the words. I couldn't find the right emotion. I can't make sense of any of this. We used to be so close, and I just want them to know that I'm there. But I feel like I'm doing such a poor job. And I don't know what else I can do. Sometimes, there's just nothing that can make it better, I know. But that doesn't keep me from feeling shitty for not being able to come up with it, still.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The moment a life is cut much too short.

I'm not even really sure what to say. I guess I should say something about how life is so fragile, and how we should be thankful and appreciative of every second we have, of every smile, every laugh. Something about how we should never waste a moment on something that wouldn't matter if we or someone we loved was gone tomorrow. Something about not taking things for granted.

But, it's much too close to home this time, and in reality, all I can do is sit here in shock and disbelief. This can't be real. I can't even begin to identify the emotions and thoughts that I'm having right now. Deep down, I think I'm keeping myself from doing it, because it's just too much to handle. I need to focus my mind on something else, but somehow I just can't keep my thoughts from wandering back. What just keeps getting me is thinking about my mom. Coming home. Finding him. Thinking she was just barely too late. Thinking maybe it could have been prevented. I can feel her pain, and it makes me feel sick. I can't even fully endure it right now, so instead I think I'm choosing to just not comprehend it.

Rest in Peace Uncle Roth. You left us much too soon.
You were and always will be loved, and will always be missed.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The moments I have come to fear.

The only thing worse than experiencing overwhelming, inescapable, mind-numbing sadness, is not knowing the cause of it.

Cause if I don't have a reason for it... then I just have a problem.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The moment I lose my way.

For most of my life, I've pretty much had a plan. I knew I was going to go to college, and through all of high school I knew that I was going to go to VCU. I knew that I wanted to be a crime scene investigator. I knew that I was going to marry Holden, and marry young.

And now I've reached a pivotal point in my life. And I'm starting to wonder if this is where I'm supposed to be... if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm graduating in one year, and need to apply for graduate school even sooner. I have no idea what to study, no idea what I want to do. I'm thinking more and more that working in the field isn't what I want to do, but I don't even know my other options, much less how to get there. I'm trying to start planning a wedding so that I have enough time and it'll be perfect, but I'm not even engaged yet. We don't have enough money to have it a year from now, but if it's two years from now, why even start to bother? I don't know where I'm going to live, what job I'm going to have, or even what school I'll be going to. For the first time in my life, I can't see the path ahead of me.

Everything is up in the air and it scares me. I have to make huge life decisions with nothing to base them on. I have to schedule classes without knowing what job I'm going to have... I have to choose where to live without knowing where I'll be going to school... I have to start talking to wedding planners without having a ring or a date, and without knowing if I'll be able to afford what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have to plan invitations without knowing who I'll be friends with a year or two from now. I have to promise to pay bills, not knowing if I'll have a paycheck to pay them off with.

So maybe I'm not experiencing a crisis here, but there are way too many things to think about, and not enough security for me. I like to feel safe. I don't like to take chances when the risk is this high. This is the rest of my life we're talking about here. And all of these worries, though seemingly small, still manage to keep me up at night.

I know, I know, take the road less traveled, make your own path, etc. And I would, I really would. If I just knew where the hell I was trying to get to.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The moment life begins.

When is it really? I remember I spent all of last summer wishing that August would get here faster, so that Holden and I could move in, and our life together could finally start. Once we get into the apartment... once we get away from everyone else... once we get settled in... It will all get better. This is our life really coming together.

A few weeks ago, we went to look at a new (nicer) apartment, and to apply for new jobs. Again I found myself saying, if we can just get this apartment, if I can just get this job... things will start to come together. Our life will really start.

So what's one, two, five years down the road then? Will I ever feel like my life has already begun, or will I always be stuck in that place where it's just about to start, and if things would just fall into place then it would be fabulous? Will it be when we get married? When I graduate? Get my Master's, my PhD? When we build a house? Start a family? When I get a full-time, salaried job?

I feel like we're just stuck in-between. How do I go from a 13-year old kid to an adult taking out loans and paying mortgages? Cause I still feel like I'm just a kid, yet all of this stuff is coming up in the so-near-distant future.

And then I sit back, re-read this, and think about it... and in reality, my life began a long time ago. Why should I be sitting around, waiting for my real life to begin, missing out on the moments that life is offering me right now? This is my life. And it started on December 16, 2004, when a boy opened my eyes up to what life and happiness really were. This is our life. And it's not always glamorous. It's not perfect. But that doesn't mean that it's not real, that it doesn't belong to us. We don't know what the hell we're doing or where the hell we're going, but we're going, and we're going together. This life is my own. It has begun. It is my life. And I am responsible for it. I can't ignore it anymore.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The moment I finally get a break.

Exams are over. He is home. And the sun is shining.

Summer is finally here. :)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The moment history is made.

Osama Bin Laden was killed tonight.

For better or worse, we are witnessing history being made. Others will read about it for years to follow. We will say we remember exactly where we were, and exactly what we were doing, when we heard the news that America had taken down the greatest enemy of our time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The moment I run into you on the street.

I still care about how you're doing, and I want to know that life is going well. I'd love to sit down or grab coffee and catch up for a while, because it's been forever. And although there's clearly nothing wrong with that, somehow I just can't bring myself to ask you... From fear of what? I don't know.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The moment you've had enough.

I'll take that care-free, deserted island that we were gonna run away to now. Kaythanks.

The moment you find the silver lining...

No, it's not the happiest of times. It was sudden, and it's hard on the entire family. But, at least he gets to be here. At least I get a few extra moments with him that I didn't expect to have, and the countdown isn't quite so long now. At least he gets to be with his family, and I get to be there to comfort him. At least God has provided us with some blessings during this sad time.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Correction (n.):

1. something that is substituted or proposed for what is wrong or inaccurate; emendation.
2. the act of correcting.
Make that the Final Four.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Pride (n.):

1. the state or feeling of being proud.
2. pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself.
3. satisfaction or pleasure taken in one's own or another's success, achievements, etc.
We are the Elite. :)

I have never been more proud to say that I bleed black and gold.

The only thing I wish is that you were here to share in this celebration, baby. ♥

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Incurable (adj.):

1. not curable; that cannot be cured, remedied, or corrected.
2. not susceptible to change.
I really appreciate that everyone cares about me so much. Truly, I do. But if I wanted to talk to someone about it, I wouldn't be ignoring everyone.

Sometimes, there's just nothing in the world that can make it better.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The moment you make a promise to yourself...

I refuse to ever be that married couple that doesn't say "I love you" every time they hang up the phone.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The moment that you take a stand...

"I, I won't justify The way I live my life.
'Cause I'm the one livin' it, Feelin' it, tastin' it.
And you're just wasting your time,
Trying to throw me a line, When you're the one drowning.
I like where I'm at on my back,
Floating down in my own riptide.
The water is fine."

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The moments I am...

...happy, sad, lonely, content, elated, here, there, awake, asleep, hungry, angry, aware, ignorant... are all meaningless.
I am all of these things. And none of them. No, I am not even that.

I am.

And that is always changing.
No part of it is eternal.
It will not last.
It will not remain.
But it will grow.
It will move through all that is, forever.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The moment you start to question...

What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Senseless (adj.):

1. stupid or foolish, as persons or actions.
2. nonsensical or meaningless.
Maybe I wouldn't be so scared of these things that I feel, these impulses I have, these thoughts... if they made sense. If they had a reason behind them. If I could trace their origin. Because at least then, if I knew where they came from, I could destroy them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The moment you know you can call on them...

...anytime of day or night.
Even though we're not with each other all the time, we're always there for each other.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Overworked (adj.):

1. to have been made to work too hard, too much, or too long; weary or exhausted with work.
2. worked beyond one's strength or capacity.
Ex. a. On average, 22 hours of work, 15 hours of school, theoretically 45 hours of study, and 8-12 hours of guard per week.
b. 3 exams within a 19-hour timeframe.


Sunday, February 20, 2011

To ignore (v.):

1. to refrain from noticing or recognizing; to ignore insulting remarks.
2. to fail or refuse to notice; disregard.
"So don't you worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Free (adj.):

1. enjoying personal rights or liberty.
2. existing under, characterized by, or possessing civil and political liberties that are, as a rule, constitutionally guaranteed by representative government.
3. exempt from external authority, interference, restriction, etc., as a person or one's will, thought, choice, action, etc.; independent; unrestricted.
4. able to do something at will; at liberty.
5. clear of obstructions or obstacles, as a road or corridor.
6. exempt or released from something specified that controls, restrains, burdens, etc.
I'm glad that I'm free from whatever anyone else thinks, assumes, or believes about me. It frees me to be me, and that's so much more fulfilling and so much less tiring than being anybody else.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The moment dreams start becoming reality.

I love wedding planning with my besties. :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Gold (n.):

1. a precious yellow metallic element, highly malleable and ductile, and not subject to oxidation or corrosion. Symbol: Au; atomic weight: 196.967; atomic number: 79.
2. a quantity of gold coins.
3. a monetary standard based on this metal.
4. money; wealth; riches.
5. something likened to this metal in brightness, preciousness, superiority, etc.
Ex. How do I know he has a heart of gold?
Because every step they take and word they say to try to make him into one of their monsters simply drives him even further away.

And that's what I'm most proud of him for.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The moment you diagnose the problem...

Lately I've been having trouble sleeping.

...I never had that problem when you were here.

A moment to appreciate: My best friend.

8:32pmAmy - eeheeheehee i'm talking to myself.

8:32pmChelsea - i know! i am that myself!

8:32pmAmy - well, if it isn't you, myself.

8:32pmChelsea - tis i that is me, you.

8:33pmAmy - i can see that myself, thank you you.

8:33pmChelsea - then don't be so arrogant, me. you cannot take it.

8:34pmAmy - you and i both know this. myself is very sensitive.

8:34pmChelsea - a bit TOO sensitive methink, myself.

8:34pmAmy - i feel like this is shady, says i to you, myself.

8:34pmChelsea - shady, i say?

8:35pmAmy - yes. i seem to know too much about myself, you think.

8:35pmChelsea - i think so. this conversation is over!

8:35pmAmy - no! don't leave me, you!

8:35pmChelsea - you have done this to myself.

8:36pmAmy - this i know to be true. you and i were never meant to be.

8:36pmChelsea - i'm glad you have realized this, myself. it saves us the awkward conversation.

8:37pmAmy - i will miss you, me.

8:37pmChelsea - and i you, myself. good riddence.

8:38pmAmy - goodbye, you. i hope you have a good life. peace out, homeself.

8:39pmChelsea - CRABS.

8:40pmAmy - that is innappropriate.
Real life. Real us.
I wouldn't judge you if you were jealous. :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The moment you truly understand what you have.

I have intelligence. I have no handicaps. I have resources. I have the ability. I have the drive. I have been given the opportunity to learn. I have been given the opportunity to work.

I have a job. I have a house. I have a car. I have food on the table. I have clothes on my back. I have a lot of luxuries. I have money in my pocket. I have a warm shower. I have a bed.

I have the love of the one person in the world that I want it from the most. I have the love of my very best friend. I have a confidant. I have a soulmate. I have the most beautiful love story. We have more history than all the books. I have established trust. I have someone who knows me. We have overcome all obstacles. I have faith that we can overcome anything. We have more than the jealous little girls could ever dream of. We have more than the selfish little boys could comprehend. We have a real life together. We have a home. We have plans, and dreams. We have a cat. I have more in him than I ever could have dreamed of. We have something no one could take away. We have a love that is timeless. I have my past and my future, and my present, all in one.

I have THE best friends. I have a support system. I have a (few) shoulder(s) to cry on. I have people to laugh with. I have people to keep me in check. I have hearts that care about me. I have people that will check up on me. I have faith that my disappearance would be noticed. I have hearts that understand. I have the best time with them. I have a helping hand, or just a place to vent. I have life-saving devices. I have a family.

And when I look at it this way... I really have nothing to bitch about.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fear (n.):

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude.
4. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.
My greatest fears:
Coming home one day and my cat having died.
Certain people in my life never knowing how sorry I really am for the things I've done.
That I've already hit my peak in beauty, and it's all downhill from here.
The day that I can't dance anymore.
Being alone.
Having a daughter like me.
Never having a career that I'm truly satisfied with.
Riding a bike.
Myself, sometimes.

Friday, January 28, 2011

To pray (v.):

1. to utter prayers (to God or other object of worship).
2. to enter into spiritual communion with God or an object of worship through prayer.
3. to make an earnest entreaty (to or for); beg or implore.
"I run the house. I sleep alone. I live for letters, And the phone calls home. I pray for strength. I pray for peace. I pray that he Comes home to me. And if you would, Please pray for me."

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The moment you give up.

I can't do this.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The moment you just admit it.

Yeah, I'm pretty messed up. I fly off the handle. I don't manage my emotions as well as I could. I haven't treated myself as well as I should have in the past. I've been very very lost. I have memories and scars that will never fade.

And I have friends who love me anyway. I have... a pretty great life. I've turned myself around. I can be successful. I've become stronger. I have a reason to face down the demons. I know I've got to keep going. Whoever is at fault, and whatever regrets I might have... none of it really matters. Because I'm here... by the grace of God I'm here, and I'm here for a reason. And that's the only thing that really means anything. And for that reason, I am thankful. And for that reason, I am proud... even of my messed up self.