...that have now simply faded to black.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Every memory of guard. All of the times that I laughed until I cried. The friends that I had back in middle and high school and all of the times that I felt so very connected to these people that understood and were always there for me. Every crush, every ex, every shared insight or new revelation about the world.
And what has it all become now? Bitter memories of best friends who betrayed me. Thoughts of all of the time wasted on certain people. The ever haunting guilt of breaking a friend's heart. Reminiscences, shadows, of the best times of my life. Like a silent movie flickering in front of my eyes. Scars. That you can't feel, but can still see. Still vaguely remember how it felt.
I used to cling so tightly to these things, these moments. Because why not? It was the happiest I'd ever been. But what happens when those people and those situations go away? The happiness is no longer there. What remains is a bittersweet taste. I can remember the laughter, and not feel it. So, what are we to do? We are always told to live in the moment, to make it the best that it can be. But is our life simply a series of moments that will eventually evolve into unpleasant and painful remembrances? Or do we try to find something that will never fade away? All of us try; it's human nature. We all seek the "best friends forever" and the "true loves". And how many of us are still acquainted with the first BFF we ever had? How many times do we have to get it wrong before we're ensured a life of joy and stability? I'm really not trying to sound pessimistic here, but I've been stabbed in the back, and lost those so close to me that I considered them family, enough times to really wonder, what is the point? Why do we put so much effort into our social relationships, only to have them be so short-lived? Is there any relationship that is truly immune to time? How do we know that we're not wasting our time, that these people whom we love so much might be gone from our lives in one, two, five years time?
I guess that's just the true test of love. Being willing to invest so much time, putting so much emotional stock into a relationship, without ever being able to be certain if it will last. It's a risk we have to take. As much as it stings to have happy memories of bad friends, life would be much darker if one had no happy memories of any friends, at all.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
In approximately 8 months and 18 days, I will officially be a VCU alumnus. I will have a Bachelor's Degree. I will have graduated, from college.
This realization, to be honest, scares the living shit out of me. I'm not old enough to have a college degree. When did this happen? Where did the past few years of my life go? In my head, I'm still only 17, newly graduated from high school and still trying to figure this whole college, job, life thing out. I feel like an impostor, like I shouldn't have come this far yet.
And while it's scary as hell, I guess it's a little bit exciting, too. I've worked hard to get this far and hopefully this will open up a whole new world of opportunities for me. It's terrifying and stressful, having to think of GREs and grad school applications and full-time jobs and... the future. The real-live, grown-up world future. But if I really think about it, I realize that if I just have a little faith in myself, I can get myself to where I want to be. Looking back at the past few years, I see that I have come a very long way in a very short amount of time and that I have matured a great deal since I graduated. And I realize now that there's no use in being scared or worried, or just sitting around wondering how I'm going to make it work. The only way to get anywhere is to just put yourself out there and make your life what you want it to be. Because no one else knows what you want or what you need, and they surely aren't just going to walk up to you and hand it to you. You have to work for it. Take it. Earn it. Create your life, not just live it. And I think that is what this last year is going to help me to do. This is my turning point. This is the doorway that will open up to the long road that is the rest of my life. And I think, I hope, that maybe I'm finally ready to face it.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Experience, qualifications, and education, in reality, mean nothing. All that matters is who you know. How many connections do you have? Because without them, you can't get anywhere fast in this world. Top of the class, years of experience, and the ability to learn anything quickly and work your ass off trying to be successful... doesn't matter. It's all about talking to the right people. Knowing the right people. And it's one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
...you can meet some really amazing people.
In the simplest of places. Like, at a yard sale. If you just take the time to stop and listen... to have a conversation... you'll realize that there are some really great people out there. It makes me think that maybe we should all just slow down a bit and look at what's around us, instead of just running here and there, stereotyping people and making assumptions. Maybe it would change our outlook. Maybe it would make the world a better place.
Friday, August 5, 2011
1. to torment with cares, anxiety, etc.; trouble; plague.2. to be or cause to be anxious or uneasy.3. to disturb the peace of mind; bother.
I can worry until my hair turns grey. But where will that get me, really? I can worry about money, about finding a job... worry so much that it keeps me up at night. What will it do though? When I've done all I can do, when I've applied to all the jobs I can and am as qualified as I'm going to be without getting some more experience, what good is worrying? There's no space on the application for me to answer: "How much time have you spent worrying about getting this job? How much do you have invested in this?" If there was, well, I guess I'd be better off. But there's not, so all I can do is trust that I've done my part, and what is to come will come if that's the way it's supposed to be.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
1. the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc.2. the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil.3. the belief that the evil and pain in the world are not compensated for by goodness and happiness.
You may be the kindest, most caring, giving, and loving person in the world, but pessimism will kill all of that. It kills the conversation, it makes everyone else feel guilty and uncomfortable, and most of all, it's detrimental to your health. Maybe it takes me seeing it from an outside perspective. Maybe it takes me realizing that my mother's pessimism makes me not enjoy spending time with her, even though I love her so dearly, and I know she is a good person, for me to know that I never ever want to be like that. A painful lesson, because even if I make myself better, I still wish I could help her make herself happier.