A Multitude...

The Time Bomb...

Somehow, there has been this black hole of the space-time continuum or something that has sucked up my summer. I have 19 days. NINETEEN. days. Three weeks. You know how long three weeks is? Three weeks ago was Fourth of July. Say what?? That was yesterday! And here's the biggest problem. Next week, I'm with my mom again. So that week will, POOF!, disappear as well. I'm freaking. out. here. In three weeks I'm moving out. And as exciting as it is, I must admit, I'm terrified. My life is changing and from here on out... it'll never go back to where it was before. Not to mention, I don't have nearly the money that I need... or a job lined up for school. *Deep breath* Three weeks...

The Mind...

Sometimes I wonder when it was that I got like this. I wonder when it was that life began to take it's toll. When it was that I began to have these wounds and scars on my life. You never notice when it's happening. Now I look back, and I don't remember not being affected by the memories and the wondering. The problem is, it's not enough to say that I'll be better, that I won't think about it, or I won't let it affect me. Because it's never me. Yes, I think it... I talk about it... but something else always triggers it. And for that thought to go away, it has to be resolved. The opportunity for doubt has to be abolished. That, or medication has to take away the thoughts altogether... I'm willing. I just don't want to upset him anymore.

The Countdowns...

11 days until my best friends 18th birthday/my mom's birthday...
12 days until my one year anniversary!...
19 days until I move in...
24 days until classes start...
50 days until I become legal!

The Extras...

I hate the Best Buy Geek Squad for not fixing my laptop, for sending it out to be fixed, for saying it would be two weeks, and for it being more than three weeks now. *fumes*
My upcoming week looks like work, a day with the bestie, going through my stuff, and working on my scrapbook for Holden and me!
Updates to follow.

:) Peace.

Monophobia vs. Being Alone in a Crowd... And the Lonely Drives Home

Monophobia (the fear of being alone) is one of the most common fears in the world. Some people like being alone in a crowd... losing themselves, if you will. I wonder what monophobia actually entails though. Is anyone really afraid of being absolutely alone? Alone in your room, blogging, or thinking... alone in your car, singing your heart out... alone wherever, with only yourself to worry about.

I think I have monophobia... but I'm okay with being alone. Completely alone that is. Being alone in a crowded room is something completely different. All of that movement and bustling around you, people talking, looking, wondering why you're alone. And, God forbid someone talk to you. You'd think it would be strange for someone who's shy to be afraid of being alone. But not really. Shy people don't like being stared at... they don't like talking to people they don't know. Being alone in a crowd is so surreal. And I've never felt more lonely than when I was eating, by myself, at the mall. It almost made me want to throw up. I haven't seen Holden for days... and it's just not natural. Whenever someone I know sees me alone they ask me where my other half is. I don't like not being with somebody I know. It makes me vulnerable. And lonely.

But the rain... the rain is peaceful. Driving home in torrential downpour... that's a different kind of alone. There's no one with you. You're dreadfully alone. Just you and the road and the rain. And as scary as it is, it's kind of peaceful. Just like I saw the world in another way at the mall, I saw it in another way on the highway. Except, it was different. Rather than being detached from the situation, I was very much in it. The only surreal aspect was the way that everything looks different in the night and the rain. You slow down... notice a lot more things.

And then, there's the lonliness of another phone conversation gone bad. When all I want to do is hide and never do another productive thing, except that would make me upset as well being unproductive... And it's not that my best friend can't understand me as much as he doesn't try to understand. And half of it's my fault... but I asked him to be considerate. And when the phone dies and there's no return call... I'm left, not sad, or angry... just utterly alone... in thought and emotion.

So quiet Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Exhale
Another wasted breath, Again it goes unnoticed
Please tell me you're just feeling tired 'Cause if it's more than that I
fear that I might break
Out of touch out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed 'Cause I can't read your
rolling eyes
Out of touch are we out of time
Close lipped Another goodnight kiss Is robbed of all its passion
Your grip Another time is slack
It leaves me feeling empty
Please tell me you're just feeling tired 'Cause if it's more than that I
feel that I might break
Out of touch out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed 'Cause I can't read your
rolling eyes
Out of touch, are we out of time
I'll wait until tomorrow Maybe you'll feel better then Maybe we'll be
better then
So what's another day When I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going
on without you
This mood of yours is temporary
It seems worth the wait To see you smile again
Out of the corner of your eye Won’t be the only way you're looking at me
then
So quiet Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Exhale
Another wasted breath, Again it goes unnoticed

- Again I Go Unnoticed, Dashboard Confessional