Thursday, September 25, 2008

Well, in the spirit of optimism, I have pretty sweet psychic skills...

I always know. I always know when it's going to go down, and I usually know what's going to go down. Whenever something's about to blow up, I can feel it. It's insane really.

And for some reason I still don't believe it. I mean... I do... Because I'm so used to feeling like this. This was my life from December to June. But somehow I thought it was different this time. And I'm just so confused. Because yeah I knew what was coming, but now, I don't. No, not when it's important. And I don't even know what I can do. Because I don't even know how he feels. I'm just so... many things. Sick, scared, lost, hurt... all those cliche things that I didn't realize I was saying until after I said them. Really, that's exactly how I feel.

Communication is what I need. I need to know how he feels. Because what if he needs space, and I give it to him, and he decides that, since we're not that close anymore anyway, then we should just end it. But I didn't want to be apart from him. And then it's too late. But if I try to show him that I still care, I'll smother him. And I don't even know if I'm just wasting my time. I don't even know how he feels about me anymore...

And the irony is... I know this. I know this all. I've done this so many times. I know this about him, and I love him. He's my best friend, and I know that as long as I have him there when I fail or fall, it won't be half as bad. Even though he is this, does this.. whatever. I still love him. Despite that. I always have, and always will. Because being with him transcends all of this crap, all of the other crap, all of anything that I ever go through. I'd do it all to be with him. I just want to know that I can be. That if I'm going to go through this, that he will be there in the end. Because I want to give him what he needs... his time, my support, my love, and friendship. He works too hard, he stresses himself out. And I hate seeing someone so strong as him, someone that I look to for strength often, break down. I don't want to see that happen. I just wish that we could strengthen each other. That he, and I, didn't have to do it alone. That's how it was supposed to be...

Blah. I don't knowwww what this is. I'm just rambling. I just want to know what I did wrong. What I apparently changed. Why, when I get hurt, he gets mad because I'm upset. Somehow I find this a legit thing to be upset about, but apparently I'm just being a dramatic bitch.

As usual right...
Well, I mean, according to the student body.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I think I've seen that tree before...

Seriously. I'm not just having deja vu. Do I really have a problem of for some reason needing to fall back into this old routine? And why would I want to fall in a routine that would hurt so bad? Is it me that's changing? Because it doesn't feel like it... I'm not changing my views. Or have I changed to be what someone else wanted, and now that they've changed their mind, I'm no longer what they want me to be? Am I not enough to help make another person's life okay? Like they can me okay when I'm having problems? Why can't they come to me? Why do they have to do it all alone? Can't they trust me? I am their best friend right? Or is someone else? Am I missing something? Or am I being lied to? Maybe they've just changed their mind again, and they don't love me anymore? Am I really seeing them look at me differently, talk to me differently, act differently around me, and touch me differently?

Or maybe I'm just over-reacting about it all...

I sit here again as you make up your mind, love
Just take our sweet time
That we have now to be
Just You and Just Me.
Let's be free of these things
That have stood in our way love,
We're finally here,
And we're lost and we're scared,
But it's us, love, together
For the first time in years
You said, "Don't let this go, girl I won't let this die."
Babe, I know we can take on the world,
You and I,
Maybe not by ourselves.
I know I can't on my own.
And I know that you're strong, but
Love, you're not alone
Anymore. We have demons,
And habits,
And pasts,
And I'm not saying it's easy,
But I'll promise to try
To be who I am,
And I'll do what I do,
And that's not going to change, love,
I promise, this time,
I am what you need.
Baby, don't change your mind.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So, what does it feel like to be seventeen?

The same. And how does it feel to be a senior? The same. Except more stressed out. I should be studying more, sleeping more, on the computer less. I should be applying to colleges, taking my SATs, writing scholarship essays. But I'm not. We always had so much time. And now it's here. I'm going to fail massively.

Hmm... so it looks like this post is going to become a conglomerate of a bunch of different thoughts. But hey, what is this blog for? It's really cool, finally being older, to be the one who someone else looks up to. I know I had that person, that role model, who, whether they always did the right thing or not, did give me some important things that have made me who I am today. I know that I could not be more thankful for some of the things Erin Jackson gave me. My level of performance and dedication, my leadership skills, my sabre technique, and my captain binder... just to name a few. I know what it's like to have someone to look up to, to strive to be more like, who makes you push yourself to try harder and be better. And I've always hoped that I could be that to someone else. And now that maybe I am, I feel so... worried?... that I'll lead the wrong way or confused?... that I would even be looked up to. But nonetheless, it's cool to be that for another person. To be someone who won't stab them in the back, who can help them through all the drama and bullshit, and provide a mellow, experienced perspective on the drama of life. And I know I couldn't do it without those (or the person) who influenced me. So, yes, I must thank Erin, for being that friend and role model to me. And Morgan, for being the one who looks up to me and trusts me.

Ummm, chemistry is making my mind explode. I love chemistry. But I need a break. And that fact makes me want to cry.

We have five more practices before we compete in our first show. There is noooo wayyy we're going to be ready. And after that, it's all going to go so fast. I'm ready for winter. But I'm not ready for it all to fly by.

And as for the accident that we had at practice a few weeks ago... I have so much to say, and yet can't find the words to express the feelings that went through me that day. Shock, despair, comfort, and one of the bigger realizations of my life. I've not been the religious type really, and technically, I'm still not. But, not liking my religion was kind of an excuse for not really being sure if I believed in God or not. I still don't agree with organized religion really, but I know that I believe in God. That He could take such a desperate and terrible situation, and bring a group of people together, in His name; people who dislike each other, believe different things, feel different things; it was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed, and at that point I knew that there is something more than us. We are not in control. He gives us the choice. But, at times like those, He will take us and get us through whatever it is that we're facing. My prayers are with Neil and his family, and I thank God that it wasn't as bad as it could've been. We all love Neil and need him very much. Especially the drumline. My heart goes out to them too...

So, I guess that's it for my random thoughts.
paz y amor.

And thanks to all of my friends who made my birthday freaking SWEETTTT!!! =)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Summer assessment(s)

There's always that one day when you're looking through your really old pictures and you see one of you from a few years before and almost have a heart attack because you look so different. Looking at yourself in the mirror everyday, you don't see that much of a change. Or, in the case of Gregor Samsa in Metamorphosis (thank you AP English), you wake up as a giant insect. And at that point, I think I would be stepping back to assess how exactly I had gotten to this place.
Well, this is me waking up and realizing I'm a bug. Figuratively.

Over the summer, I learned a lot of things. I learned that you don't really always love someone, like, love love. Of course they're always a part of your past, but there's a moment when you're looking into someone's eyes, remembering what it was like with them, and you realize that it doesn't sting. You don't long. You simply appreciate it, and them. And you feel yourself shift into a new phase.
I learned what it's like to be around people that I have not grown up with. People who know nothing about me. It's intriguing to find that the things that were said to me, that my friends say to me all the time, become offensive coming from a stranger's mouth. Because they don't know that it's not true. They don't know of my perfectionism. They don't know of my school life, or home life. It's an entire realm that I am completely unfamiliar with.
I learned who I am. In a way that I did not expect. It wasn't when I broke away from my depression at the beginning of the summer that I discovered who I was. It wasn't when I lived for myself and did what I wanted to do. It was when I began to fall back into my old habit of becoming what others want or expect me (or anyone really) to be. Why should I act a certain way for someone (because that's the type of person that they're into), when I could just find someone's who is into my type. Sounds cliche, and yeah I should know this, but it takes a few hard experiences for someone to really understand the depth of that statement. In the realization that one is changing for someone else, and that all in all, that can never make a person eternally satisfied, that person can understand, defend, and become who they really are. I myself was simply lucky enough to find someone who loves me for who I am, and I wasn't even trying. No being his idea of me. Just being me, showing him what I really was, flaws and all.

And some final thoughts, on guard and other things that dominate most of my thoughts:
Katie made a comment to me about being worried about the guard next year. I told her that we worry because we know that we cannot control it in any way. The only control that we have over next year's guard is what we leave behind now. If it is good, they will use it. If it is not, they will do it a different way, their way, but not necessarily the right way. It's the difference between being a captain, and a great captain. How long will our legacies last? Will we drive others to be better like those before us drove, greatly drove, us? Truly impressive accomplishment isn't what you can do when you're present. It's what you can continue to do after you're gone.
How inspiring and insightful. I think I'll leave it at that.

Peace and <3.