Things change when life's right there in front of you...

So, I was driving home tonight and Holden called me. I was on 60, and I always drive with one hand anyway, so I answered my phone. My mom started yelling at me to hang up, and I didn’t want to pull into my driveway while I was on the phone, so I told Holden I’d call him when I got home. I hung up. I’m on Judes Ferry Road at this point, so my mom said, “Turn on your brights.” I turn on my brights and within their range appear five deer in the road. I didn’t scream. I just hit the brakes. One turned around and came out into the road. I swear I got stopped no more than a few inches from it. My mom said she felt something hit us but I didn’t feel anything. I just wanted to sit there. To stay stopped. I wanted to get out of the car and walk. I wanted to be anywhere but in the driver’s seat right then.
I’ve driven slowly and carefully so many times before. Had my brights on the entire way down that road and into my neighborhood. And they were never there. But this time… This one time, when it was so close…
But the weirdest part is that in the moment I wasn’t scared. I knew that I’d stop before I hit it. Somehow I knew. But how could I have logically known that. It was just luck.
And what made me hang up the phone seconds before? What made my mom tell me at that point, when we had been on that road for a while to turn on my brights? If I hadn’t, I couldn’t have stopped in time. If I hadn’t hung up then, I would’ve wrecked, with Holden listening. So what made me do it?
And people say they can’t logically believe in God…

It’s not like I even got in a wreck, but it’s still a scary thing. I’m so overloaded right now. And I just want to be free. To be free like I am when I’m in the car with Holden, the bass so loud I can feel it in my soul, holding hands, joking, loving, living, and laughing uncontrollably for no good reason at all. And I can’t do that. I can’t even drive fast now with the music loud like I want to. Cause I never know what will be there…
My freedom is limited. Just when I was so close…
It scares me…

And just when I thought I knew it all...

Wow. I haven't written in three weeks?? It seems like so much shorter. But longer at the same time. These past three weeks have been the most painful, stressful, confusing, and enlightening weeks that I've had in a long time. I don't really want to go into gory details. Because all the bad stuff doesn't matter anymore.

But I will say what I took from this. And that is: I really don't ever stop learning about myself. I thought I knew. Thought I was completely sure who I was. But then I had another epiphany. So, there went that theory. Basically, I got forced into making myself happy. I thought I wasn't reliant on someone for my happiness, but apparently I still had some of that old me in me. I reached a point though, when asked, "How do I make you happy?," that I answered, "I don't need you to make me happy." I realized that that is true. Does Holden make me happier than I've ever been before? Yes. Would I feel like something was missing if I didn't have him in my life? Yes. But, should I completely shut down as a person when things are getting rough for us? No. I can make myself happy. I can have awesome times with my friends. I can be the person that I am, the person that Holden loves. Not try to be the person that I think that he wants me to be. That just makes us both annoyed and unhappy. I can be strong and uplifting when he needs me, just like he, by being loving and happy, makes me feel better when I'm having a rough time. And also, by being that, giving him what he needs, being myself and loving him through it all, I showed him what I have to give. My level of dedication. I didn't know that I could do that, until he told me one day how much he had seen of it.

Holden continues to show me things that I never knew, about the world, love, life, and myself. I never know what to expect, but it's always so much better than I could ever imagine. So, I honestly can't complain.

I want to take a sentence and say thank you to Becca. I appreciate her ability to be real with me, even when it was awkward or difficult. I can't trust a lot of people, but she showed me that she could be there for me. Love you Thing 2!

My sleeping schedule is so off. I love being a senior.
Night all. <3