Friday, July 29, 2011

The moment I say, "I wish I...

...had that girl's hair... could dress like that... could lose 5 pounds..." and I just get the eye roll and a condescending glare.
My friends always tell me, "what I love about you is that you easily could have been one of those preppy, popular girls, but you're not." I could've had the perfectly tanned skin, the perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect everything... but I don't. Because I can't. And before I get too far into this, I'll say this... I know, I know. Some people would give anything to look like I do, to have the body that I have. I know that I'm really not that bad looking, that I could look a lot worse. But for some reason I still look at myself and see someone who needs to be skinnier. I see ratty old clothes and hair that won't ever look right. I see a high school kid instead of a 20-year old nearly graduated college student. And it makes me feel so selfish because I know that I shouldn't be complaining. But I just can't help but think, well if I could look like that, then why don't I? It makes me feel so stupid because I've never been the one to subscribe to society's rules about how girls should look and what kind of clothes they should wear. I wouldn't trade lives with those girls for anything, and I know that they are all fake and shallow and empty. But at the same time there's still this underlying desire within me to be the kind of girl that turns heads. It's so frustrating to know what I want, and to know that (apparently) I could get what I want, but that I just don't know how... that I just don't have the money... that I just don't have the time. Maybe I'm shallow. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I'm being selfish and complaining. But pretty people can be self-conscious, too. Skinny people can have body image issues, too. And that's something that not a lot of people can understand. It's not the most important thing in life, and that's why I'm still the way I am... because I have other priorities. But it's always there. An itch in the back of my mind. And it's irritating and it's even more irritating that something so small and stupid bothers me so much.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

When I finally get a moment to breathe.

I thought the summer was going to bring with it months of relaxation in the sun, time with my friends, and the break that I needed before going back to school. Instead it brought more unexpected and terrible surprises than I would want to experience in a year, much less a month. I have been going non-stop for the past month and a half. I've been taking care of my mom, my dad, working three jobs, and moving, all since June 14. And it's all finally slowing down now. One of my jobs went out of business, the other ended for the summer, and I'm all moved in. And while it's nice that things have started to calm down a little, I almost feel lost. I have no idea what to do with my days besides look for more jobs, which I desperately need to find. It's a catch-22. I can't enjoy my summer without money, but I can't enjoy my summer if I'm working either. I'm just caught in this web of worry and fear and not knowing how to find the right balance. I'm stuck here with the lifestyle that I know I want just out of my reach, and I don't know what more I can do to get there. I just wonder if it's me that's doing something wrong, or if the cards really are just stacked against me.