Saturday, June 18, 2011

The moment that I find a sense of closure.

Today was the first time that I've ever been to a funeral/memorial service when the sun was shining. And I know that's not a coincidence. It was just his way of letting us know that his pain has ended... that he's smiling down on us... that there's nothing to be afraid of. That we should celebrate the life that he had because, Lord knows, there was plenty to celebrate. Most of all, it tells me that he has finally found peace. And that's the most comforting thing that I've felt in the past four days.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The moment that you just can't find the right words.

I want my cousins to know that I love them. I want to be able to talk to them. But, I know that there's nothing I can say that will make it better. Shit, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what to think to myself that will make it better. I felt so useless today. All I could give was a hug, when I wanted to be able to do so much more. I just couldn't find the words. I couldn't find the right emotion. I can't make sense of any of this. We used to be so close, and I just want them to know that I'm there. But I feel like I'm doing such a poor job. And I don't know what else I can do. Sometimes, there's just nothing that can make it better, I know. But that doesn't keep me from feeling shitty for not being able to come up with it, still.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The moment a life is cut much too short.

I'm not even really sure what to say. I guess I should say something about how life is so fragile, and how we should be thankful and appreciative of every second we have, of every smile, every laugh. Something about how we should never waste a moment on something that wouldn't matter if we or someone we loved was gone tomorrow. Something about not taking things for granted.

But, it's much too close to home this time, and in reality, all I can do is sit here in shock and disbelief. This can't be real. I can't even begin to identify the emotions and thoughts that I'm having right now. Deep down, I think I'm keeping myself from doing it, because it's just too much to handle. I need to focus my mind on something else, but somehow I just can't keep my thoughts from wandering back. What just keeps getting me is thinking about my mom. Coming home. Finding him. Thinking she was just barely too late. Thinking maybe it could have been prevented. I can feel her pain, and it makes me feel sick. I can't even fully endure it right now, so instead I think I'm choosing to just not comprehend it.

Rest in Peace Uncle Roth. You left us much too soon.
You were and always will be loved, and will always be missed.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The moments I have come to fear.

The only thing worse than experiencing overwhelming, inescapable, mind-numbing sadness, is not knowing the cause of it.

Cause if I don't have a reason for it... then I just have a problem.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The moment I lose my way.

For most of my life, I've pretty much had a plan. I knew I was going to go to college, and through all of high school I knew that I was going to go to VCU. I knew that I wanted to be a crime scene investigator. I knew that I was going to marry Holden, and marry young.

And now I've reached a pivotal point in my life. And I'm starting to wonder if this is where I'm supposed to be... if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm graduating in one year, and need to apply for graduate school even sooner. I have no idea what to study, no idea what I want to do. I'm thinking more and more that working in the field isn't what I want to do, but I don't even know my other options, much less how to get there. I'm trying to start planning a wedding so that I have enough time and it'll be perfect, but I'm not even engaged yet. We don't have enough money to have it a year from now, but if it's two years from now, why even start to bother? I don't know where I'm going to live, what job I'm going to have, or even what school I'll be going to. For the first time in my life, I can't see the path ahead of me.

Everything is up in the air and it scares me. I have to make huge life decisions with nothing to base them on. I have to schedule classes without knowing what job I'm going to have... I have to choose where to live without knowing where I'll be going to school... I have to start talking to wedding planners without having a ring or a date, and without knowing if I'll be able to afford what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have to plan invitations without knowing who I'll be friends with a year or two from now. I have to promise to pay bills, not knowing if I'll have a paycheck to pay them off with.

So maybe I'm not experiencing a crisis here, but there are way too many things to think about, and not enough security for me. I like to feel safe. I don't like to take chances when the risk is this high. This is the rest of my life we're talking about here. And all of these worries, though seemingly small, still manage to keep me up at night.

I know, I know, take the road less traveled, make your own path, etc. And I would, I really would. If I just knew where the hell I was trying to get to.