Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The moment I lose my way.

For most of my life, I've pretty much had a plan. I knew I was going to go to college, and through all of high school I knew that I was going to go to VCU. I knew that I wanted to be a crime scene investigator. I knew that I was going to marry Holden, and marry young.

And now I've reached a pivotal point in my life. And I'm starting to wonder if this is where I'm supposed to be... if this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm graduating in one year, and need to apply for graduate school even sooner. I have no idea what to study, no idea what I want to do. I'm thinking more and more that working in the field isn't what I want to do, but I don't even know my other options, much less how to get there. I'm trying to start planning a wedding so that I have enough time and it'll be perfect, but I'm not even engaged yet. We don't have enough money to have it a year from now, but if it's two years from now, why even start to bother? I don't know where I'm going to live, what job I'm going to have, or even what school I'll be going to. For the first time in my life, I can't see the path ahead of me.

Everything is up in the air and it scares me. I have to make huge life decisions with nothing to base them on. I have to schedule classes without knowing what job I'm going to have... I have to choose where to live without knowing where I'll be going to school... I have to start talking to wedding planners without having a ring or a date, and without knowing if I'll be able to afford what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have to plan invitations without knowing who I'll be friends with a year or two from now. I have to promise to pay bills, not knowing if I'll have a paycheck to pay them off with.

So maybe I'm not experiencing a crisis here, but there are way too many things to think about, and not enough security for me. I like to feel safe. I don't like to take chances when the risk is this high. This is the rest of my life we're talking about here. And all of these worries, though seemingly small, still manage to keep me up at night.

I know, I know, take the road less traveled, make your own path, etc. And I would, I really would. If I just knew where the hell I was trying to get to.

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