Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thank you, Lite 98, for bringing holiday joy to my car for an entire month before Christmas. The feeling of the holidays, all wrapped up into wonderful Christmas songs... I love it. I can't even describe the happiness I feel when I hear Christmas music, see decorations, smell the foods, smell the air... I love this season. I love this holiday. It's happiness, and warmth... and most of all, it's love.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
After all of this hard work, the stress, the tears, and the lack of sleep, I realize that even perfection isn't good enough. So yeah, it's my responsibility... it's because of the things that I've done that I'm even in this situation in the first place. But why am I going to be given the chance to redeem myself, if even perfection won't get me there? Why, even if I do the best that it is physically possible for me to do, am I still going to fall short? I know if I had just stepped up a little earlier, this wouldn't be a problem. But that's human nature, and human nature is coupled with the chance to grow and change. I've turned my life upside down. I've started completely new. And I've reached the top. I've done the best that I'm allowed to do, and I'm still going to be punished. And the worst part is, it's not about impressing anyone or living up to my own standards anymore. It's about surviving. Even if I make them proud, even if I am proud of myself... none of it matters. It doesn't mean that I'll make it.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
...and nothing in the world could be wrong.Stretching. Spinning. Feeling every muscle in my body working like they haven't in months. Waking up and feeling that lingering ache that tells me that I worked my hardest. And it's only the beginning. The moment I step into a gym, and see all of the people I love... the moment we all pile into our cars and make a trip to the grocery store in our tanks and shorts in the middle of winter, shrieking with laughter the whole way there and singing our hearts out... the moment it all just comes back to me, like something so familiar, like something that is ingrained into my very being... I know that there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't belong anywhere else. And in that moment, nothing else matters.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I'm stretched too thin. I never make enough to make rent. I literally don't have enough hours in the day to do all of the studying I need to do. I put everything I have into everything I do, and I do a lot of things. I always do this. I have to fail horribly at only one thing, or be mediocre at all things. But being mediocre is not an option, I have to be perfect. I do all I can and I give everything I do the best effort I have, and it's still not enough. It's not good enough. I don't make enough. I upset people. I do things wrong, and those are the only things that matter. It piles up and up and up until I literally just break. I'll apologize, I'll take the blame, and I'll push myself even harder. And then I'll recover, and start all over.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
...and day to day.Get up. Shower. Drive to school. Yell at other drivers. Try to find a parking spot. Class. Coffee. Class. Class. Drive home. Read. Read more. Drive to work. Work. Drive home. Try to find a parking spot. Read more. Go to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Work for money for rent to go to school for a degree for a job to buy a house to provide for a family... What's the end of the line? What's the ultimate goal? I guess for me it's a family. But, if I'm never there then what's the point? If I'm numb and burnt out and detached, what does it matter anyway?
The ultimate is happiness... it should be in any case. Yet we are all driven constantly toward something. We're all working, struggling up this endless ladder of stresses and needs and desires and blah blah BLAH. We think we're headed toward something that will make us happy, and by the time we get there, we'll realize that we should have been making ourselves happy all along. The grass ain't always greener...