Monday, December 28, 2009
"It doesn't matter what you've doneThat's the thing. I'd rather take the fall. I'd rather shoulder the weight; take the heat for my choices. I'd rather do it on my own...
I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been
You can still come home
And honey if it's you,
We've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone,
So hurry home."
I'd rather do anything than run back to a father who doesn't want me back.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The season has come back around... The time when almost every day is something significant, and the winter air smells like our love.
Something's different about Christmas this year. Like, it's almost not real.
Maybe it's cause I've been away. Or maybe Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas used to, without that feeling of... us.
Because for some reason, I cannot feel it. It's that season, and love is in the air... But this year, something has changed, and the feeling has disappeared. Against all odds, against the seasons...
And it's not bad. Not painful.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
In a show of hands, who has said these words beforeLike mine.
With a show of hearts on the floor, who has ever meant them more?
Well I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years
And watch me spin circles as I disappear
Hearts, they don't lie, they just quiver in fear.
Brutally honest, to a point that I cannot ignore.
Yet, terribly frightened of falling in love with someone to whom I may simply be another repitition of the same old lines.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My greatest fear.
Six months ago: failure.
Now: falling in love.
How so suddenly I could have lost all faith in love... in falling for
someone... in the everlasting sense of that giddy "new love" feeling... is a mystery to me.
Maybe I'm scared of being hurt. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I fall in love, he'll never have the chance to win me back.
But I've realized...
I've been in relationships for love... for friendship... because I wanted to make them happy... because I cared about them deeply... and because most of the time, when it was good, they made me happy too.
Now, I am always happy. Always. And after so much pain... so many struggles... so many fights...
My fears of falling in love show themselves often...
But, I do not think, I feel.
Maybe it's too good to be true.
But, I long to fall...
And when I look back on the past...
I can't help but miss it. Miss the simplicity. Miss the good times... the mall trips, the movies, the bowling, the craziness... that now, in retrospect, I realize I took for granted, though I swore I never could. I go back, and I don't realize that I've grown up... I realize that they've grown up. And I know in my heart it will never be the same.
Just like I know he and I never could be either. Maybe in another life... another world, or another time... we could be together, like we were supposed to be. Maybe the world could leave us alone, and we could be happy. We could share our life, our love, and our childhood dreams like we always wanted to. We could be young forever.
Now, we've grown up.
And the world stops for no one.
The only thing I know for sure is...
That I love to love life.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
It's everything I can never say...
And I know you'll never see...
But maybe it's like when you talk to me in my sleep...
Maybe in your heart, somewhere and someday, you'll hear my voice...
Maybe, you'll understand.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
1) The hospitality.
2) The accent (yes, I pick it up.)
3) The seafood nommmmmmmmmmmm.
4) The Tarheels.
5) The palm trees.
6) SC seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
7) The barbeque.
8) Originial sodas in glass bottles.
9) The beaches.
10) THE SWEET TEA. :D
Carolina girl at heart. <3
Friday, November 27, 2009
1) Christmas music on Lite 98 from Thanksgiving to Christmas Day.
2) Hot apple cider.
3) Christmas lights.
4) Snow... maybe.
6) The December feeling...
7) Starbucks' Gingerbread Latte.
Peace on Earth... Goodwill towards men. :D
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Could I have known that my blog post, August 14, 2009 would be so very true? My life since that day has not been the same, and I feel myself falling further and further each day.
The biggest crossroad of my life to date... and it's one that I never expected. Choosing between being with my best friend and not? What kind of choice is that. Apparently, the most difficult one I've ever made, because it's tearing me apart.
And the worst part is, that I know... I do... want back what we had. What kills me is that the feeling is not there anymore. And it's terrifying... terrifying to think that such strong feelings and love and experiences are gone like, that. But I don't know him... I've missed him so very much... and I still do. The one who was mine... who was us... who was our drives, and dinners, and movies and beaches.
But somehow, I had to say no. I'm resisting, and it's breaking my heart, but still, I'm going... I have to. For me. I know I do, despite the pain. It's a bittersweet loss, a bittersweet victory. But I know that I'm not alone.
I don't understand my life
Or the version that chose you
And the warring hearts and winter came
Now there's nothing left to do
And I cannot reach the world today
Cause I'm suffering from two
And the more I think, the more we die
As I walk away from you.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Lately I feel that I don't really know who I am. What's new? 18-year old, freshman college student... But I never thought I'd be one of those. I guess I was wrong again. And maybe it's not so much that I don't know who I am... as I know exactly who I am, and I just can't be that person. Maybe that should tell me something... yet, what I am to do about it I'm really not sure.
What do I love? I love driving... taking photos... playing frisbee in the park... performing... dinner & a movie... bumming around with my best friend... watching scary movies with the guys... kicking back... watching football games... going to the beach... being free from the world...
and most of it is so far out of my reach.
What I do have though.
My love of the River City. I live in the Honors College Housing, across from a deserted bookstore, a club, and a hookah bar. The diversity makes me so happy. (:
I have an upcoming officer position in Green Unity. And I could not be more supertotallystoked! :D
I have my bestie. One block down.
And. I have my determination. And I've never been one to give up. Or I've never wanted to be. I guess I actually have to work for those things that I crave now. I'll have to work really really hard.
And I will.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
But the aspect that is becoming more apparent to me now is that of experiencing every moment of life that I can. I don't want to sleep. I fear that I will miss out on life... I fear that I will miss something... Miss an experience... Miss a fun time... Miss a new friend. Life is full of unknown and unpredictable encounters... how am I going to just sleep that away? I'd rather dance... I'd rather laugh... I'd rather learn... I'd rather love... I want to live my life, and not only to live it, but to experience it. I want to breathe it, love it, own it. At every turn. At every hour. At every opportunity.
I want everything that life has to offer. I am not about to miss one single moment of beauty.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Do I lack an ability to find a new way to express my emotions? Or perhaps just the ability to do so eloquently? Obviously I know what it is that is there... or does the visualization of it set in stone for me what I am feeling? Do I question the emotion until I am able to come across something that identifies it for me? Do I lack the capacity for simple recognition?
I know one thing I do lack. The ability to miss at beer pong. :D HEY!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm living day to day... and I still feel like I'm just wandering around in circles. However pleasant at times, the apparent endlessness of it all is, naturally, maddening. And another day fades to black...
I have moved through every kind of emotion in the past three long days (that have felt like one continuous day) that a person has the capacity to feel. I feel shame, guilt, anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, love, regret, hope, and a little glimpse of happiness.
Holden was everything to me. Every beautiful and happy memory. Every song I sang in the car, every good movie that I saw, every rainstorm, every river, every sunset or sunrise... he's every full moon, and every cold room, he's every warm bed, and every oceanfront view... Holden is every picture I take, every summer night, every Mercedes-Benz, every show of lights, every winter, every softball game, every metal song, every pinky promise... Holden is my best friend. I shared my life, and my love with him. I shared my dreams and my fears. He protected me, loved me, respected me, adored me. And I was so lucky to have him. I guess hindsight really is 20/20. I never realized just how much he gave to me, and just how much he did for me, until now... until he's gone. And I never realized who I had become.
I know Holden's fears. I iknow what kind of relationship he is scared of ending up in. And all I ever wanted to be was the one that could show him it wouldn't be like that. I wanted to show him that I could be different. That I could be the one he could commit to because he knew that he could trust me. And now, I've become that relationship of which he is afraid. I've made him scared... I've caused his retreat from commitment. And more than anything, I am angry and disappointed in myself for that. I took his fears and made them worse, instead of making them disappear.
At this point, I'm really not sure where to go with my life. I know that Holden cares about me... I know that he is still my best friend, and I am his... and I know that at some point, I may have a chance. When that will be, I cannot know for sure. So where do I go? Do I wait, as I always have, for the love that I know is so so worth it? Of course, I have to. At least, as long as I love him, and as long as he is the man who makes me the happiest in this world, I have to. My only dilemma is, what if I give him what he wants, friendship, and then he decides to be with someone else? Yet, I can't keep acting like we are together, because that's not what he needs right now... and that's not what we are. But he needs to know that I still love him, or he might look me over for someone else. It's a very delicate balancing act that I have performed what feels like a thousand times before. It's risky, sometimes strenuous, and full of fear. But the thrill is something you cannot experience without the risk, and the end result, if it is successful, is worth all of the pain, work, and fighting in the world.
So, I guess I just wait, and love him, and be there for him, and from there on, I sit back and let life go where it will. And in the meantime, it is time for me to start living out the things that I believe in.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My view is absolutely spectacular, and I have lots of space, and I can control my temperature which is great because it means I can make it super cold. :) So it's pretty excellent.
Aside from all of the moving in and such, pretty much it's just been running around to all of the events and finding my way around and discovering which streets are one way and all of that crazy stuff.
This also happens to include figuring out the parking decks and having to remember if we locked the cars or not and avoiding the sketchy streets at dark, which leads me to a very very interesting story.
So, Amy parks in the Bowe Street Deck because it's temporary and only for a few weeks. Well, compared to our dorms it's in like bum-fuck-nowhere. Jared, she, and I go to eat at Qdoba at like ten-thirty, and Amy can't remember if she locked her car or not. Jared has to go home soon anyway so we go get his car and he drives us to the other parking deck. As we walk up to Jared's car, Amy sees this.
Actually she sees this minus the pocket knife, but still... what else could that be? Yeah. So yeah. So Jared drove us over to Amy's parking deck to check her car. This is how it goes. Situation: Eleven PM. Dark. Approaching the sketchier part of town. Empty parking deck. 18 year old girl. Clearly she can't go in by herself.
Chelsea: "I'll go with you." Jared pulls into parking lot across the street; parks facing away from the deck. Amy: "At least park facing the deck so that if I die you see it!!!" Jared: "I'm coming with you!" Amy: "Oh! I thought you were staying!" Jared: "Well I don't even know what I would do if I saw you die!! That would be horrible." Chelsea: "Well at least you could be a witness." Amy: "Yeah... he'd be like 'Male... Medium build... About 6 feet tall... Dark...' Just like oh, 90% of the male population in Richmond." Jared: "And then I'd be like 'And she saying something about a square, and doing this *spastic squiggling motion*." And then the conversation spiraled into Amy talking about the rapists reaction which would be, "Stop naming shapes! Stop
doing the worm! I'M TRYING TO PENETRATE YOU!!!" And then we died.
Richmond is great. :D
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting... And I know I'm definitely not used to it. I know he has to do it. It's just one of those Holden things. And I'd never stop him from carrying out any of his dreams. I'm just not sure how to handle it. When it comes that is. I've spent so much of the years that we've had together missing him and waiting for him... I just don't want that to be what my life becomes. I've never been apart from him for more than a few weeks, much less a whole summer... or more. And I don't even want to get started on what happens if he has to be deployed... It's something I can't even think about.
I know he has to do this. And I know he's going to do it in a way that is best for us and our potential family. But nothing is as good as it could be. Anything that takes him away from me... well it's not too popular in my eyes.
I just want to live. I want to live where I want... move when and if I want... I don't want my life dictated by someone else. And it would all be okay... As long as I have Holden. I know that. I'm just afraid that I won't. And for once... I'm really really scared.
But he needs me. And I'll be here. No matter what, I'll support him and stand by his side. Because it's my favorite place... and it's exactly where I need to be.
Semper fi... Always Faithful.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Fooled you. :) It's totally fake. We found Rachel another obscure gift, and came across these at the candy store.
We were utterly amused. To complete our shopping adventures, we decided to buy a skim board. Well. I have never skim boarded in my life. And as dangerous as it looks... it is. We went out onto the beach (which was crowded as hell) and attempt to skim board, pretty much just asking to make ourselves look like fools in front of everyone. So, Amy tries and kinda just steps on the thing. Well I actually went for it... and completely fell on my ass. It was totally great. And I got laughed at by the guys that were skim boarding with a boogie board and giving us not so helpful information. =/
I must say it was one of the better failing moments of my life. And I finally got the hang of skim boarding a little. :D
For the rest of the day we hung out on the beach, and went to dinner at some Italian place. We ended up having to move our car at six... So we drove around to find another space for two hours. Lots had opened up, but all of them charged flat rates of like $7 or $10, and we were not about to pay that for two hours. But, we're awesome and found a meter spot right outside of a lot. (HA!) So for the last two hours we went and got our traditional henna, and bought a pound and a quarter of fudge. Nom nom nom.
Love it. :)
We finally got out of there at 8. Yeah, remember how we wanted to be home before dark? We left at dusk. And, about thirty minutes out... just after it got dark... it starts DOWNPOURING. I mean torrential. f-ing. downpour. Like slow down to 45, put your flashers on, and/or pull off the road downpour. It stopped after about thirty minutes though and the rest of the drive wasn't bad. Until I needed to take my medicine and Amy had to pee, so we stopped at a rest stop with vending machines that didn't work and took my money and then we had to stop again at another hella sketch gas station and scrape up 91 cent to get a can drink. *sigh*
I think we ended up getting home around 11 something and I spent the rest of the night with Amy. All in all, another interesting and excellent day in Amy-Chelsea history. :D
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Somehow, there has been this black hole of the space-time continuum or something that has sucked up my summer. I have 19 days. NINETEEN. days. Three weeks. You know how long three weeks is? Three weeks ago was Fourth of July. Say what?? That was yesterday! And here's the biggest problem. Next week, I'm with my mom again. So that week will, POOF!, disappear as well. I'm freaking. out. here. In three weeks I'm moving out. And as exciting as it is, I must admit, I'm terrified. My life is changing and from here on out... it'll never go back to where it was before. Not to mention, I don't have nearly the money that I need... or a job lined up for school. *Deep breath* Three weeks...
Sometimes I wonder when it was that I got like this. I wonder when it was that life began to take it's toll. When it was that I began to have these wounds and scars on my life. You never notice when it's happening. Now I look back, and I don't remember not being affected by the memories and the wondering. The problem is, it's not enough to say that I'll be better, that I won't think about it, or I won't let it affect me. Because it's never me. Yes, I think it... I talk about it... but something else always triggers it. And for that thought to go away, it has to be resolved. The opportunity for doubt has to be abolished. That, or medication has to take away the thoughts altogether... I'm willing. I just don't want to upset him anymore.
11 days until my best friends 18th birthday/my mom's birthday...
12 days until my one year anniversary!...
19 days until I move in...
24 days until classes start...
50 days until I become legal!
I hate the Best Buy Geek Squad for not fixing my laptop, for sending it out to be fixed, for saying it would be two weeks, and for it being more than three weeks now. *fumes*
My upcoming week looks like work, a day with the bestie, going through my stuff, and working on my scrapbook for Holden and me!
Updates to follow.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I think I have monophobia... but I'm okay with being alone. Completely alone that is. Being alone in a crowded room is something completely different. All of that movement and bustling around you, people talking, looking, wondering why you're alone. And, God forbid someone talk to you. You'd think it would be strange for someone who's shy to be afraid of being alone. But not really. Shy people don't like being stared at... they don't like talking to people they don't know. Being alone in a crowd is so surreal. And I've never felt more lonely than when I was eating, by myself, at the mall. It almost made me want to throw up. I haven't seen Holden for days... and it's just not natural. Whenever someone I know sees me alone they ask me where my other half is. I don't like not being with somebody I know. It makes me vulnerable. And lonely.
But the rain... the rain is peaceful. Driving home in torrential downpour... that's a different kind of alone. There's no one with you. You're dreadfully alone. Just you and the road and the rain. And as scary as it is, it's kind of peaceful. Just like I saw the world in another way at the mall, I saw it in another way on the highway. Except, it was different. Rather than being detached from the situation, I was very much in it. The only surreal aspect was the way that everything looks different in the night and the rain. You slow down... notice a lot more things.
And then, there's the lonliness of another phone conversation gone bad. When all I want to do is hide and never do another productive thing, except that would make me upset as well being unproductive... And it's not that my best friend can't understand me as much as he doesn't try to understand. And half of it's my fault... but I asked him to be considerate. And when the phone dies and there's no return call... I'm left, not sad, or angry... just utterly alone... in thought and emotion.
So quiet Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Another wasted breath, Again it goes unnoticed
Please tell me you're just feeling tired 'Cause if it's more than that I
fear that I might break
Out of touch out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed 'Cause I can't read your
Out of touch are we out of time
Close lipped Another goodnight kiss Is robbed of all its passion
Your grip Another time is slack
It leaves me feeling empty
Please tell me you're just feeling tired 'Cause if it's more than that I
feel that I might break
Out of touch out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed 'Cause I can't read your
Out of touch, are we out of time
I'll wait until tomorrow Maybe you'll feel better then Maybe we'll be
So what's another day When I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going
on without you
This mood of yours is temporary
It seems worth the wait To see you smile again
Out of the corner of your eye Won’t be the only way you're looking at me
So quiet Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation
Another wasted breath, Again it goes unnoticed
- Again I Go Unnoticed, Dashboard Confessional
Friday, June 26, 2009
A few weeks ago, Holden and the guys went out to the quarry in Goochland to be idiots and jump off of cliffs and such. A few days later, Holden called me all sad, telling me that he couldn't find my class ring, which he wore around his neck at all times. He looked for it around the farm, but I finally resigned myself to the fact that it was gone forever.
I just got a new job, and yesterday and today, had to attend job training for it over on Hull St. So, in the middle of training, I get a text from a friend saying that his sister's friend found my class ring at the quarry in Goochland and he gave me her number.
So, I'm going to leave training today, and my car won't start. (I'm in Richmond... on Hull St... btw.) So, I open the hood and try to start my car and a couple of guys walk by like, "Yo, there somethin wrong wit yah starter." So, I'm like wonderful. Then this man comes over and says that he'll try to give me a jump. So he brings over his old blue Ford that barely runs itself, and gives me a jump. Luckily, that did the trick.
So, I go home and call Amy and we plan to go out to Fourth Fridays. She comes and picks me up, and we go over there. (We didn't actually end up going but that's not important.) So on the way we realize that her car is on E. Also, I texted this girl that apparently had my ring and asked her where she could meet me. She said Lucky's on 711. I didn't want to go by myself, so Amy and I agreed that we'd go back to my house, use my car, and go out there. So we did.
When we got home, my car wouldn't start. Again. So, we got cables out of Amy's car and jumped my car. I texted the girl to tell her that we were on our way. So we get there, and without thinking, I turn off my car. Bad. idea. Of course, now it won't start. The gas station is completely deserted, and the girl hasn't gotten there yet. So we go inside and ask the man if they sell jumper cables, which they don't. As we're walking inside, we hear a storm warning alert come over the speakers. And at this point we're pretty much going, "FML." Finally, the girl calls and says that she's on her way. We also asked a very nice lady who apparently works at VCU if she had jumper cables, which she kindly ran home and got for us.
So, while we were waiting, we went inside and got an energy drink, and of course, did some documentation.
My dead car... and the perfect horror movie scenario.
F. Our. Lives.
Drug of choice... caffiene.
And of course its consequences.
Thankfully, we came out of said situation alive and with no attacking or raping occuring, I got my ring back, and we got one hell of a story. :)
*sigh* Only us.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Well. What is this second job, you ask? A sales representative for Vector Marketing Corporation (Since 1981), demonstrating and selling CUTCO (Since 1949) cutlery, flatware, garden tools, and sporting knives.
So what's my problem?
- Am I going to actually make any more money at this job?
- Income directly reflects how many appointments one gets/how much merchandise one sells.
- but what if they just aren't interested?
- What if the economy is too bad to sell?
- What if I do poorly and I waste my time and gas?
- There's a lot at stake with a sales job... it's not necessarily a steady income.
- When am I going to have time to have a summer?
- I have to have at least about 2 appointments a day Monday through Friday to make good pay... and that's on top of my Gold's Gym job.
Maybe I'll remember this in the days to come. If not, it's documented... so there's proof that I was sane at one point.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Things I've done this summer, am going to do, or hope to work toward. Will update periodically.
- Dance in the pouring rain.
- Kiss in the pouring rain.
- Enjoy the sun through the trees on a beautiful afternoon.
- Get a better job.
- Get a car.
- Get a tan.
- Appreciate the little moments. Like lunch at Rosa's. Or a nut shell with a heart on it.
- Read. A lot.
- Figure myself out.
- Chill out a little bit.
- Accept the distance, and let it only make me stronger.
- Learn to forgive.
- Learn to let it go. The little things are just bumps in the road.
- Prepare myself to be an adult.
- Clean out my room.
- Take responsibility.
- Grow my hair out.
- Love life. Day to day.
- Be more optimistic.
- Be more confident.
- Get it together. Control my emotional reactions.
- Save some money.
- Have a (guard) girls night.
- Walk the beach at night with my best friend.
- Waste away the night watching movies and snuggling.
- Sell all of that stuff that I really don't need.
- Feel the most terrible yet completely selfless pain.
- Work on my movie collection.
- Get a photography business going.
- Swim in the river.
- Make it happen. Whatever it may be. And no matter what it is.
- Manage my time.
- Catch fireflies.
- Spread happiness.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I mean really.
Scenario 1: Person A accidentally steps on Person B's foot. "Oops, I'm sorry, I'll pay more attention next time. It won't happen again." You apologize, and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Hmmm, what a concept. It was an accident, it's understandable, but you really are sorry for what you did and therefore make an effort to stop doing it.
Scenario 2, which most often happens to me: Person A purposefully hurts Person B. Person A knows they've hurt them, and says sorry. The next day, Person A does the same thing again. And says sorry again. And makes no effort to stop what they're doing because they're not actually sorry they just don't want to deal with the consequences of hurting Person B.
So why can't it just be like, Scenario 3: Person A purposefully hurts Person B. But Person A cares so much about Person B, that they feel bad about hurting them and want nothing more than to make them feel better. So, they apologize, they stop whatever they're doing to hurt Person B, and do something else in order to make Person B happy, because that's what they truly care about.
Thus, I hate the concept of sorry. Or at least what it's become.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Apart from all of that it was just signing up for classes, which I'd already done, and getting our ID cards and becoming all official and such.
OMG I'M A FOR REAL STUDENT AT VCU say what!!!
And now I have, hmmm... roughly 59 days til move-in, unless I do the Freshman Research Institute and move in early. And I CAN'T WAIT!
Richmond is just... my haven. I thrive on the life that the city contains. It's just so full of energy and I can't ever feel down or dull or anything with so much excitement going on around me. I really think a place like this will be good for me... to strip me of the shy, secluded introvert. I really can't wait to see how I handle things on my own. I've been dying to be out of this town, away from the people who think they know me and the drama they think matters. I just want to be able to really grow as the person I've been trying to be this past year. And I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than the city. my home. :)
Sunday, June 14, 2009
And it's not about losing those things. All of a sudden you've grown up and those things are far far in the distance. Two years ago at the least.
What's worse is that it made me realize something. That for all the things that I did, that I had to do for me, that I will never ever regret doing... I can finally feel the weight of what I've done. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad to know that I blew it off like it was no big deal. Like I wasn't breaking someone's heart and altering a major part of what they had come to be familiar with as their life. Quite frankly... it kills me. Because as sorry as I can be, I didn't say it soon enough. I had to do what I had to do, but that doesn't mean I had to let go of compassion. Whereas I will say that I wasn't the only one who was wrong, my anger at being accused was no excuse to blow off another's feelings... they were understandable. Maybe I'm seeing it now because I realize that more than anything I lost a very very good friend, and that nothing will ever be quite the same. Maybe it hurts because I know that I have yet to be forgiven... Or that I know that my words will mean nothing to the person they are intended for... Or maybe most of all, that I know that I have no reason to be forgiven.
And that's why I will more than gladly accept what karma has given to me... Because it's my turn now...
I'm still sorry.
You know who you are.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
1: I'm attempting to start my new photography business with my best friend Amy. Right now, it's a work in progress, but we're getting there. We've put up some of our older photos on our new blog, http://artisticepisodes.blogspot.com/ if you wanna check it out. Trust me, we have a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, but if you or anyone you know wants a photoshoot for cheap, let us know... we could really use the help! :)
2: The neverending quest for a vehicle. It's damn near fruitless. And I'm all on my own. Of course I don't have the money but you know... no big deal. Anyway, if anyone knows of a car, '95 or newer preferably, with less than 100k miles, for less than $7000... let me know por favorrr!
3: I go to orientation in 5 DAYS. ohmygod. I'm so excited!! More than that though, I am excited for move-in day... August 15. This weekend I bought comforter set, bathroom set, and wall decorations for my PRIVATE ROOM AND BATH! AH! Decorating a room is always so much fun. The day I live on my own cannot come soon enough.
4: All the things I am counting down to!!
5 days - Orientation
Less than 2 months - My one year anniversary :)
2 months, 5 days - Move In!
3 months, 5 days - My legalization!!! =D
And of course, doing the important summer things... shopping and hanging with my bestie!! Seriously... my movie collection increased by about 40% just from one trip to Movie Stop on Saturday. Holden and I really shouldn't go in there... we have a problem. I got to spend another awesome night with my love watching another awesome (and sad) movie (Atonement. see it.). And then last night was spent with my best friend, launching our photography stuffs and watching The Breakfast Club. Exactly my kind of best friends night. :)
Today slowed down a bit though. It's days like this that I start to get bored. So yeah, I tanned, edited and posted photos, french tipped my nails, looked for a car, and watched Man on Fire... but somehow I feel like I was a little worthless today. ;) On the bright side... Holden came by to see me! With a hotdog from Five Guys! Do I need any more reasons why he is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world? :) I was so happy to see him, even if only for a few minutes.
I also got another graduation present. But this one wasn't like most that I've been getting. First of all... it's from my grandaddy's second wife, who has survived him now for three years. She called a few weeks ago to ask me for an announcement, saying that she wanted to send me something. So today, I opened the box, and in it was a large square jewelry box. I made sure to read the card first, and I'm glad that I did. She told me how proud she was, how much my grandaddy loved me, and how happy he would be. Then she told me that this gift that she was sending had been picked out long before my grandaddy passed away, and suggested that they had thought maybe I could wear it at my wedding. I opened the box and it was a pearl necklace with pearl earrings. I honestly cried. My grandaddy passed away three years ago in February. I've always felt that I never spent the time with him that I should have. To get something from him now, now that he has been gone for three years... it almost makes it like he is here again.
And now I'm just sitting here, listening to the thunder and the rain, watching the lightning, and letting it wash away all of the stressful, unnecessary thoughts from my mind and clear the anxiety from my soul. And in a minute I'm going to go get in my bed, listen to my best friend tell me how much he loves me, tell him in return, and fall asleep to the soothing sound of that voice that I know so well, and love so dearly. Goodnight. :)
Monday, June 1, 2009
But now... Now is graduation time. Today was my first day off of school. And already I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should be sad, or scared, or something at least... But I don't seem to have the capacity to feel... I believe that this change is all just so enormous that I can't even rightly comprehend it. I should be remembering these last few months... But somehow it feels so unreal. Yet I know that when these two months fly by and August 15 comes and I am moving into my dorm, to live on my own... It will be very very real.
Time is something so utterly incomprehensible to me. (Don't ever try to talk to me about time travel, you'll be explaining for hours.) What happened to yesterday, when I was in eighth grade? When high school was new to me, and guard was frightening... When I didn't know Shelby, Becca, Heather, Erin, Matthew, Bridgette, or Morgan... When life was simple (though we didn't believe it)...
Is it really my time to go like I've watched so many others do? This day would never come, and yet here it is, four days off. Just like it doesn't seem like I'll ever be in that dorm, or in college. It's all like a dream.
Somehow I've been prepared, yet I know I am not... Not when I'm little more than that silly, insecure eighth grader that I was not long ago.
And what of my relationships? The people who have been my life for 7, 8, even 9 years... Will slowly fade from my daily life... Into my high school aquaintances. It makes me feel old.
All I know is that it's coming no matter what, and all the pondering in the world that I can do will not stop it. So, here I am... prepared to take what life gives me, and make it work.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
*tear tear* last trip to Dayton... and the first day is complete.
There are so many memories to think about, and yet so many moments to experience. To reminisce, or to live the new ones.
It's funny to think about my past seasons. It's funny to think about how far away they seem. How well I remember them, and how blurry they are at the same time. Planning the senior parties, and now, being the one being planned for. Crying that my seniors, my role model, and best friend, were leaving, not being able to imagine spinning without them. And now being the one moving onward and upward. To what I'm familiar with? Or to something new?
These times are my favorite memories: buying cheap sunglasses with Erin and Matty at AIA in NC; doing the first initiation skit in Dayton mocking the instructors; buying "I Heart My Extra Three Inches" shirts; watching Friends nonstop on the way to and from Dayton, singing the theme song every time and clapping to it; getting glowstick matter all overr the walls; it snowing... always; mall trips; crashing the instructors' room with Erin and Matty; senior shindigs at Chuck E Cheese; countless floor foldings, successes, failures, tears, laughs, and everything in between...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
for the first time in like ummm... four years? we have a snow day! and it doesn't end there... we have not one, not two, but three! snow days!! and I must say, nothing beats days on end, taking pictures in the snow with your friends, staying up all night, fitting in as many movies as you can, laughing uncontrollably and loving the moment that you're in.
I haven't written in a while. And this isn't a very long post. But i just had to make a shoutout to my girls. I'll be profound at a later and less tiring time. =)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
...But that's one week.
And now I'm home. Now my tooth is aching. Now I get my wisdom teeth taken out. Now I have government projects, midterm exams, and college applications. Now we have our families, and our rules. Now he has his priorities...
There's nothing wrong with that. It's what we have to do. It's just a shock. And I'm lonely...
I'm making it work. I'm getting through the crap. But it's a blur. And I'm not living. And I just wonder what it is that makes me wake up. What is it that makes me alive? Because I've felt it... Felt it without obvious reason. That undying optimism. And now, when I am blessed with a best friend who is the love of my life, when I've been given the opportunity to get a great education, and when I have the most amazing friends in the world, I cannot find it.
I sometimes think that soon enough it will be like that week all the time. But then I wonder if it really will be. Or will it be four years apart. Of not seeing each other almost every day. We've been together for six years. And after that... once we can be together, what then? Jobs... responsibilities... people to take care of...
I hate worrying. And yet, it's inescapable.
I know it can be done. It has to be. Because I don't accept failure. But I do fear it.