Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Fear, and more...

Fear.

My greatest fear.
Six months ago: failure.
Now: falling in love.

How so suddenly I could have lost all faith in love... in falling for
someone... in the everlasting sense of that giddy "new love" feeling... is a mystery to me.

Maybe I'm scared of being hurt. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I fall in love, he'll never have the chance to win me back.

But I've realized...

I've been in relationships for love... for friendship... because I wanted to make them happy... because I cared about them deeply... and because most of the time, when it was good, they made me happy too.

Now, I am always happy. Always. And after so much pain... so many struggles... so many fights...

My fears of falling in love show themselves often...
But, I do not think, I feel.
Maybe it's too good to be true.
But, I long to fall...

And when I look back on the past...

I can't help but miss it. Miss the simplicity. Miss the good times... the mall trips, the movies, the bowling, the craziness... that now, in retrospect, I realize I took for granted, though I swore I never could. I go back, and I don't realize that I've grown up... I realize that they've grown up. And I know in my heart it will never be the same.

Just like I know he and I never could be either. Maybe in another life... another world, or another time... we could be together, like we were supposed to be. Maybe the world could leave us alone, and we could be happy. We could share our life, our love, and our childhood dreams like we always wanted to. We could be young forever.

But now...
Now, we've grown up.
And the world stops for no one.

The only thing I know for sure is...
That I love to love life.

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