Saturday, September 26, 2009

A hand-me-down life...

If I could express myself in quotes all the time I would... And it makes me wonder if that makes me unoriginal...

Do I lack an ability to find a new way to express my emotions? Or perhaps just the ability to do so eloquently? Obviously I know what it is that is there... or does the visualization of it set in stone for me what I am feeling? Do I question the emotion until I am able to come across something that identifies it for me? Do I lack the capacity for simple recognition?

I know one thing I do lack. The ability to miss at beer pong. :D HEY!

Friday, September 25, 2009

The weather today, is slightly sarcastic...

(1) My emotions share a direct relationship with the weather.
(2) I hate being alone.
(3) Wasting nights in the common area is my favorite thing to do, even if it means I never sleep.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Observations of a hyperaroused mind...

I feel like for the sake of keeping my mind busy, I've taken to noticing everything small and inconsequential. My "MLIA" thought (or two) of the day: (1) I always choose the wrong line. (2) The major accomplishment of my life right now is that I've lived in Richmond for a month and managed not to faceplant.

I'm living day to day... and I still feel like I'm just wandering around in circles. However pleasant at times, the apparent endlessness of it all is, naturally, maddening. And another day fades to black...

Time creeps slowly on...

Three days ago, I gave up everything in my life that was beautiful to me. Three days ago, I destroyed everything I thought I knew about myself. Three days ago, I lost my lover... my everything... my world. Today is the first day I have been able to eat since Saturday. Last night was the first night I was able to sleep. Today was the first day I put on makeup. Today was the day that I came closest to not crying. Today was the day that I started rethinking my life.
I have moved through every kind of emotion in the past three long days (that have felt like one continuous day) that a person has the capacity to feel. I feel shame, guilt, anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, love, regret, hope, and a little glimpse of happiness.
Holden was everything to me. Every beautiful and happy memory. Every song I sang in the car, every good movie that I saw, every rainstorm, every river, every sunset or sunrise... he's every full moon, and every cold room, he's every warm bed, and every oceanfront view... Holden is every picture I take, every summer night, every Mercedes-Benz, every show of lights, every winter, every softball game, every metal song, every pinky promise... Holden is my best friend. I shared my life, and my love with him. I shared my dreams and my fears. He protected me, loved me, respected me, adored me. And I was so lucky to have him. I guess hindsight really is 20/20. I never realized just how much he gave to me, and just how much he did for me, until now... until he's gone. And I never realized who I had become.
I know Holden's fears. I iknow what kind of relationship he is scared of ending up in. And all I ever wanted to be was the one that could show him it wouldn't be like that. I wanted to show him that I could be different. That I could be the one he could commit to because he knew that he could trust me. And now, I've become that relationship of which he is afraid. I've made him scared... I've caused his retreat from commitment. And more than anything, I am angry and disappointed in myself for that. I took his fears and made them worse, instead of making them disappear.
At this point, I'm really not sure where to go with my life. I know that Holden cares about me... I know that he is still my best friend, and I am his... and I know that at some point, I may have a chance. When that will be, I cannot know for sure. So where do I go? Do I wait, as I always have, for the love that I know is so so worth it? Of course, I have to. At least, as long as I love him, and as long as he is the man who makes me the happiest in this world, I have to. My only dilemma is, what if I give him what he wants, friendship, and then he decides to be with someone else? Yet, I can't keep acting like we are together, because that's not what he needs right now... and that's not what we are. But he needs to know that I still love him, or he might look me over for someone else. It's a very delicate balancing act that I have performed what feels like a thousand times before. It's risky, sometimes strenuous, and full of fear. But the thrill is something you cannot experience without the risk, and the end result, if it is successful, is worth all of the pain, work, and fighting in the world.
So, I guess I just wait, and love him, and be there for him, and from there on, I sit back and let life go where it will. And in the meantime, it is time for me to start living out the things that I believe in.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I've got an open door...

This intrigues me. I started this post a week ago. And yes, it will be dated 9/16... however today is really 9/24. I started this post and saved it in my drafts, yet wrote nothing in the body. Only the title, "I've got an open door..." At present, I've got no idea what I had in my head to write when I started this post. However, now I find it ironic... and in a sense, freeing. That I left myself such a title, and such a vast, empty canvas on which to compose my thoughts. And so does life continue to fascinate me...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Nine-Fifteen (:

so today, I am legal. :D