Moments to cherish...

I know I've had a great time with amazing friends when, at the end of the day, my eyeliner has run from laughing so hard I cried. :)

Hurry home.

"It doesn't matter what you've done
I still love you
It doesn't matter where you've been
You can still come home
And honey if it's you,
We've got a lot of making up to do
And I can't hug you on the phone,
So hurry home."

That's the thing. I'd rather take the fall. I'd rather shoulder the weight; take the heat for my choices. I'd rather do it on my own...

I'd rather do anything than run back to a father who doesn't want me back.

It's that season.

12.16.04...
12.21.04...
12.30.04...
1.1.05...

The season has come back around... The time when almost every day is something significant, and the winter air smells like our love.

Something's different about Christmas this year. Like, it's almost not real.

Maybe it's cause I've been away. Or maybe Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas used to, without that feeling of... us.
Because for some reason, I cannot feel it. It's that season, and love is in the air... But this year, something has changed, and the feeling has disappeared. Against all odds, against the seasons...

It's gone.
And it's not bad. Not painful.
Just different.

Overcoming my fears...

In this battle, fear vs. feelings,
my emotions have won.

And the sense of wreckless abandon is wonderfully refreshing.

Just another girl...

In a show of hands, who has said these words before
With a show of hearts on the floor, who has ever meant them more?
Well I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years
And watch me spin circles as I disappear
Hearts, they don't lie, they just quiver in fear.

Like mine.
Brutally honest, to a point that I cannot ignore.
Yet, terribly frightened of falling in love with someone to whom I may simply be another repitition of the same old lines.

Fear, and more...

Fear.

My greatest fear.
Six months ago: failure.
Now: falling in love.

How so suddenly I could have lost all faith in love... in falling for
someone... in the everlasting sense of that giddy "new love" feeling... is a mystery to me.

Maybe I'm scared of being hurt. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I fall in love, he'll never have the chance to win me back.

But I've realized...

I've been in relationships for love... for friendship... because I wanted to make them happy... because I cared about them deeply... and because most of the time, when it was good, they made me happy too.

Now, I am always happy. Always. And after so much pain... so many struggles... so many fights...

My fears of falling in love show themselves often...
But, I do not think, I feel.
Maybe it's too good to be true.
But, I long to fall...

And when I look back on the past...

I can't help but miss it. Miss the simplicity. Miss the good times... the mall trips, the movies, the bowling, the craziness... that now, in retrospect, I realize I took for granted, though I swore I never could. I go back, and I don't realize that I've grown up... I realize that they've grown up. And I know in my heart it will never be the same.

Just like I know he and I never could be either. Maybe in another life... another world, or another time... we could be together, like we were supposed to be. Maybe the world could leave us alone, and we could be happy. We could share our life, our love, and our childhood dreams like we always wanted to. We could be young forever.

But now...
Now, we've grown up.
And the world stops for no one.

The only thing I know for sure is...

That I love to love life.

Growing up...

...or growing apart.

Either way, I'm different than I was six months ago.

Fruitless...

All of the quotes... stickers... lyrics... blogs...

It's everything I can never say...

And I know you'll never see...
Never hear...
Never know...

But maybe it's like when you talk to me in my sleep...
Maybe in your heart, somewhere and someday, you'll hear my voice...

Maybe, you'll understand.