I always know. I always know when it's going to go down, and I usually know what's going to go down. Whenever something's about to blow up, I can feel it. It's insane really.
And for some reason I still don't believe it. I mean... I do... Because I'm so used to feeling like this. This was my life from December to June. But somehow I thought it was different this time. And I'm just so confused. Because yeah I knew what was coming, but now, I don't. No, not when it's important. And I don't even know what I can do. Because I don't even know how he feels. I'm just so... many things. Sick, scared, lost, hurt... all those cliche things that I didn't realize I was saying until after I said them. Really, that's exactly how I feel.
Communication is what I need. I need to know how he feels. Because what if he needs space, and I give it to him, and he decides that, since we're not that close anymore anyway, then we should just end it. But I didn't want to be apart from him. And then it's too late. But if I try to show him that I still care, I'll smother him. And I don't even know if I'm just wasting my time. I don't even know how he feels about me anymore...
And the irony is... I know this. I know this all. I've done this so many times. I know this about him, and I love him. He's my best friend, and I know that as long as I have him there when I fail or fall, it won't be half as bad. Even though he is this, does this.. whatever. I still love him. Despite that. I always have, and always will. Because being with him transcends all of this crap, all of the other crap, all of anything that I ever go through. I'd do it all to be with him. I just want to know that I can be. That if I'm going to go through this, that he will be there in the end. Because I want to give him what he needs... his time, my support, my love, and friendship. He works too hard, he stresses himself out. And I hate seeing someone so strong as him, someone that I look to for strength often, break down. I don't want to see that happen. I just wish that we could strengthen each other. That he, and I, didn't have to do it alone. That's how it was supposed to be...
Blah. I don't knowwww what this is. I'm just rambling. I just want to know what I did wrong. What I apparently changed. Why, when I get hurt, he gets mad because I'm upset. Somehow I find this a legit thing to be upset about, but apparently I'm just being a dramatic bitch.
As usual right...
Well, I mean, according to the student body.
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