Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Those moments that used to be my entire life...

...that have now simply faded to black.
Every memory of guard. All of the times that I laughed until I cried. The friends that I had back in middle and high school and all of the times that I felt so very connected to these people that understood and were always there for me. Every crush, every ex, every shared insight or new revelation about the world.

And what has it all become now? Bitter memories of best friends who betrayed me. Thoughts of all of the time wasted on certain people. The ever haunting guilt of breaking a friend's heart. Reminiscences, shadows, of the best times of my life. Like a silent movie flickering in front of my eyes. Scars. That you can't feel, but can still see. Still vaguely remember how it felt.

I used to cling so tightly to these things, these moments. Because why not? It was the happiest I'd ever been. But what happens when those people and those situations go away? The happiness is no longer there. What remains is a bittersweet taste. I can remember the laughter, and not feel it. So, what are we to do? We are always told to live in the moment, to make it the best that it can be. But is our life simply a series of moments that will eventually evolve into unpleasant and painful remembrances? Or do we try to find something that will never fade away? All of us try; it's human nature. We all seek the "best friends forever" and the "true loves". And how many of us are still acquainted with the first BFF we ever had? How many times do we have to get it wrong before we're ensured a life of joy and stability? I'm really not trying to sound pessimistic here, but I've been stabbed in the back, and lost those so close to me that I considered them family, enough times to really wonder, what is the point? Why do we put so much effort into our social relationships, only to have them be so short-lived? Is there any relationship that is truly immune to time? How do we know that we're not wasting our time, that these people whom we love so much might be gone from our lives in one, two, five years time?

I guess that's just the true test of love. Being willing to invest so much time, putting so much emotional stock into a relationship, without ever being able to be certain if it will last. It's a risk we have to take. As much as it stings to have happy memories of bad friends, life would be much darker if one had no happy memories of any friends, at all.

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