Thursday, December 22, 2011

The moment you have to face the truth.

He says I'm scared. And he's completely right. I am scared, of everything. I do worry, all the time.

I'm scared of looking foolish. I'm scared of not getting the reaction that I want. I'm scared of being disappointed, yet again.

I'm scared to say the things that I long to say. The things that run through my head, all day, every day, that I want to tell him so badly.

Like how he challenges everything I ever thought I knew. How he challenges me, and all of the fears and insecurities I have. I want to tell him that from that moment that he sat down to talk to me that night, I felt this pull... I felt drawn to him for an inexplicable reason. That since that night I haven't gone a day... hell, an hour... without thinking about him. I want to tell him that he's the only person in my life (with the exception of my best friend) who doesn't have any expectations of me... who tells me it's okay to be myself. And that that scares me because I think myself is not good enough. I've already told him that he makes me happy, but I want to keep telling him. I want to tell him to leave her. That she's hurt him and I haven't and that we should be happy together.

I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to put my hand on the back of his neck. To play with his hair. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. I wanted to kiss him.

But, I didn't. I didn't say any of those things. Because I know it's much more complicated than that. I didn't do any of those things. Because I know it wouldn't be right. Because I'm still scared. Of what, I don't know. Because I have nothing to lose by telling him these things. I know how he feels about me.

I can't keep doing this anymore. I have to stop being afraid, because he's worth it. Because if I don't say what I want to say or do what I want to do, then I possibly have him to lose. And I don't think I could deal with those thoughts of "what if?"

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