Lo Siento...

I'm going to be quite frank here... I really f-ing hate it when someone says sorry. Not like "oops I accidentally spilled my drink on you" sorry, like "I just beat down your character and all of your feelings and after a night of knowing that I've hurt you I'm going to tell you I'm sorry and expect it to all be okay" sorry. It's so frustrating.

I mean really.
Scenario 1: Person A accidentally steps on Person B's foot. "Oops, I'm sorry, I'll pay more attention next time. It won't happen again." You apologize, and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Hmmm, what a concept. It was an accident, it's understandable, but you really are sorry for what you did and therefore make an effort to stop doing it.

Scenario 2, which most often happens to me: Person A purposefully hurts Person B. Person A knows they've hurt them, and says sorry. The next day, Person A does the same thing again. And says sorry again. And makes no effort to stop what they're doing because they're not actually sorry they just don't want to deal with the consequences of hurting Person B.

So why can't it just be like, Scenario 3: Person A purposefully hurts Person B. But Person A cares so much about Person B, that they feel bad about hurting them and want nothing more than to make them feel better. So, they apologize, they stop whatever they're doing to hurt Person B, and do something else in order to make Person B happy, because that's what they truly care about.

Mind boggling.

Thus, I hate the concept of sorry. Or at least what it's become.

I bleed black and gold. :D

Orientation!! *sigh* Got that out of the way. :)

Basically, aside from hours worth of lots of information that I had already heard, being put in the wrong cohort and having to sort out that mess, and getting up so damn early both mornings, orientation was pretty hella sweet. Got to meet some pretty awesome people, so I won't be so alone going into this. :) The nighttime events and all were pretty cool. I'm all for playing pool and chillin and stuff. They should really turn down the volume of the karaoke though. =/ My favorite thing to do though, honestly, was just sit outside and enjoy the weather and the city. I absolutely adore the sounds of the city. And the lights. Oh my God, the LIGHTS. My favorite sight in the world, hands down. Our room in Brandt was perfectly placed. I woke up to this sight outside my window. I wish I'd had a better camera close by.

It was simply perfect. The sky had just faint tints of pink strewn through it... But the lights of the city were still on... managing to give it this magical glow. The world is so peaceful when it's just waking up.

Apart from all of that it was just signing up for classes, which I'd already done, and getting our ID cards and becoming all official and such.

OMG I'M A FOR REAL STUDENT AT VCU say what!!!

And now I have, hmmm... roughly 59 days til move-in, unless I do the Freshman Research Institute and move in early. And I CAN'T WAIT!

Richmond is just... my haven. I thrive on the life that the city contains. It's just so full of energy and I can't ever feel down or dull or anything with so much excitement going on around me. I really think a place like this will be good for me... to strip me of the shy, secluded introvert. I really can't wait to see how I handle things on my own. I've been dying to be out of this town, away from the people who think they know me and the drama they think matters. I just want to be able to really grow as the person I've been trying to be this past year. And I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than the city. my home. :)

P.S.

:)

Memoirs

Cleaning out a room is always hard... You go in the top of your closet... Find that old box of stuff that you buried under everything in order to hide it from yourself. And face it, you can't just walk away. There's a reason you kept the stuff right? So, you open the box (although you know you shouldn't). And all of those things you didn't even know that you had... the little things... the papers, and tags, and photos, and bottle tops... They jump out at you and catch you off guard. A page in a yearbook, or a scribble on a sticky note.
And it's not about losing those things. All of a sudden you've grown up and those things are far far in the distance. Two years ago at the least.
What's worse is that it made me realize something. That for all the things that I did, that I had to do for me, that I will never ever regret doing... I can finally feel the weight of what I've done. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad to know that I blew it off like it was no big deal. Like I wasn't breaking someone's heart and altering a major part of what they had come to be familiar with as their life. Quite frankly... it kills me. Because as sorry as I can be, I didn't say it soon enough. I had to do what I had to do, but that doesn't mean I had to let go of compassion. Whereas I will say that I wasn't the only one who was wrong, my anger at being accused was no excuse to blow off another's feelings... they were understandable. Maybe I'm seeing it now because I realize that more than anything I lost a very very good friend, and that nothing will ever be quite the same. Maybe it hurts because I know that I have yet to be forgiven... Or that I know that my words will mean nothing to the person they are intended for... Or maybe most of all, that I know that I have no reason to be forgiven.
And that's why I will more than gladly accept what karma has given to me... Because it's my turn now...
I'm still sorry.

You know who you are.

Lazy Days and Stormy Summer Nights...

Three days have passed since graduation, and already I'm bored. It's the summer curse. Not that I don't appreciate the break or anything... It's just that I need to be doing something. Not even doing something necessarily, I just need to be around someone. Ugh.. and yet, even though I have nothing to do, I still have so much going on.

1: I'm attempting to start my new photography business with my best friend Amy. Right now, it's a work in progress, but we're getting there. We've put up some of our older photos on our new blog, http://artisticepisodes.blogspot.com/ if you wanna check it out. Trust me, we have a long way to go, and a lot of learning to do, but if you or anyone you know wants a photoshoot for cheap, let us know... we could really use the help! :)

2: The neverending quest for a vehicle. It's damn near fruitless. And I'm all on my own. Of course I don't have the money but you know... no big deal. Anyway, if anyone knows of a car, '95 or newer preferably, with less than 100k miles, for less than $7000... let me know por favorrr!

3: I go to orientation in 5 DAYS. ohmygod. I'm so excited!! More than that though, I am excited for move-in day... August 15. This weekend I bought comforter set, bathroom set, and wall decorations for my PRIVATE ROOM AND BATH! AH! Decorating a room is always so much fun. The day I live on my own cannot come soon enough.

4: All the things I am counting down to!!
5 days - Orientation
Less than 2 months - My one year anniversary :)
2 months, 5 days - Move In!
3 months, 5 days - My legalization!!! =D

And of course, doing the important summer things... shopping and hanging with my bestie!! Seriously... my movie collection increased by about 40% just from one trip to Movie Stop on Saturday. Holden and I really shouldn't go in there... we have a problem. I got to spend another awesome night with my love watching another awesome (and sad) movie (Atonement. see it.). And then last night was spent with my best friend, launching our photography stuffs and watching The Breakfast Club. Exactly my kind of best friends night. :)

Today slowed down a bit though. It's days like this that I start to get bored. So yeah, I tanned, edited and posted photos, french tipped my nails, looked for a car, and watched Man on Fire... but somehow I feel like I was a little worthless today. ;) On the bright side... Holden came by to see me! With a hotdog from Five Guys! Do I need any more reasons why he is the most wonderful boyfriend in the world? :) I was so happy to see him, even if only for a few minutes.

I also got another graduation present. But this one wasn't like most that I've been getting. First of all... it's from my grandaddy's second wife, who has survived him now for three years. She called a few weeks ago to ask me for an announcement, saying that she wanted to send me something. So today, I opened the box, and in it was a large square jewelry box. I made sure to read the card first, and I'm glad that I did. She told me how proud she was, how much my grandaddy loved me, and how happy he would be. Then she told me that this gift that she was sending had been picked out long before my grandaddy passed away, and suggested that they had thought maybe I could wear it at my wedding. I opened the box and it was a pearl necklace with pearl earrings. I honestly cried. My grandaddy passed away three years ago in February. I've always felt that I never spent the time with him that I should have. To get something from him now, now that he has been gone for three years... it almost makes it like he is here again.

And now I'm just sitting here, listening to the thunder and the rain, watching the lightning, and letting it wash away all of the stressful, unnecessary thoughts from my mind and clear the anxiety from my soul. And in a minute I'm going to go get in my bed, listen to my best friend tell me how much he loves me, tell him in return, and fall asleep to the soothing sound of that voice that I know so well, and love so dearly. Goodnight. :)

Moving on...

So yeah, my last post was cut short... I feel like I was distracted somehow by Shelby running in frantically telling us that she had answered the phone inappropriately and it had been the front desk... :) good times.

But now... Now is graduation time. Today was my first day off of school. And already I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should be sad, or scared, or something at least... But I don't seem to have the capacity to feel... I believe that this change is all just so enormous that I can't even rightly comprehend it. I should be remembering these last few months... But somehow it feels so unreal. Yet I know that when these two months fly by and August 15 comes and I am moving into my dorm, to live on my own... It will be very very real.

Time is something so utterly incomprehensible to me. (Don't ever try to talk to me about time travel, you'll be explaining for hours.) What happened to yesterday, when I was in eighth grade? When high school was new to me, and guard was frightening... When I didn't know Shelby, Becca, Heather, Erin, Matthew, Bridgette, or Morgan... When life was simple (though we didn't believe it)...

Is it really my time to go like I've watched so many others do? This day would never come, and yet here it is, four days off. Just like it doesn't seem like I'll ever be in that dorm, or in college. It's all like a dream.

Somehow I've been prepared, yet I know I am not... Not when I'm little more than that silly, insecure eighth grader that I was not long ago.

And what of my relationships? The people who have been my life for 7, 8, even 9 years... Will slowly fade from my daily life... Into my high school aquaintances. It makes me feel old.

All I know is that it's coming no matter what, and all the pondering in the world that I can do will not stop it. So, here I am... prepared to take what life gives me, and make it work.